


Edgar's Lap Dog

by WildKingJackal



Series: The Wolf and The Hunters [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Mentions of Panic Attacks, Multi, Panic Attacks, basically Edgar being a manipulative bastard, one of Ryan's teammates survived, so I couldn't help but think that, what if
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-03-06 08:58:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 34,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3128714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildKingJackal/pseuds/WildKingJackal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan lost a team to Edgar once before. Unknowingly to him, you survived, though not the kind of survival that should be given to someone like you. Between Ryan's new team and your efforts to help, you try not to let your old friend figure out who you are, for his sake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Great Sealand Takeover](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2136012) by [whalehuntingboyfriends](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whalehuntingboyfriends/pseuds/whalehuntingboyfriends). 



> I'm writing this at 2am so I apologize in advance for all the spelling mistakes I'm bound to make.

It all starts with a meeting. It's chance, of course it is, but you're strangely lucky when you meet a woman who takes you off the streets and back to her home. It's nothing much, small and already far too crowded for your liking, but it beats the harsh winter outside. You're eighteen when you meet her, you nickname her Mother.

She cares for you and the other two boys she picked up before you. They're a duo, partners like you've never seen. They joke about your battered appearance for all of two seconds before Mother snaps at them and pampers you with food and new clothes. She gives you a haircut and offers a hot shower. It starts with chance, and you'd be an idiot to forget it.  
  
It really starts with when you run off from home, bruised and scarred, angry and a ball of crazy. It's not like you knew you had stolen drug money by accident. You just needed the cash to get by, no matter where it was from.

But being chased by a crew for it? Really not worth it. It really starts with you hitch hiking out of your hometown, taking trains and free rides wherever. People are nice on the road most of the time, after all, you've only had to kill two guys, and they tried to touch you. Totally justified.

So when Mother takes you in and the boys, Drew and Jasper, try making fun of you when Mother isn't there and you snap at them, they quickly learn their place.

They learn not to mess with you unless they want a fight, which happens to be often. Jasper is nice, soft and reserved and treats you with respect since you treat him the same. Drew, on the other hand, is harsh and often fights with you.

It's like having two alpha dogs fighting it out, you both leave battered, bruised and bleeding. After two weeks, you call a truce and start talking more. You learn quickly that Jasper is a sniper and Drew is a more hands on opponent who doesn't fancy weapons. They learn that you don't fight too well, no matter the time you spent in the streets.  
  
They teach you things, mostly self defence until they see you fancy knives. Jasper lets you borrow one of his and Mother buys you a whole set. For a while, things are soft and easy, cozy, even. You share a bed with the boys who wrap themselves up around you. It's warm and you love it. Until they start asking questions.   
  
"Where are you from?" "Why are you here?" "Why are you scarred up like that?" "Are you running away from something?"  
  
You don't answer those you don't want to answer, you tell them your whole name and they repeat it full of affection and caring. It scares you a bit but you don't tell them. You ask questions as well, ranging from how the two met to how much time they've spent with Mother.

You learn that they were childhood friends, Jasper's family stupidly religious whereas Drew's parents simply didn't care about him. When Jasper came out, he was kicked out of his house and moved into an apartment with Drew who took up odd jobs, most more dangerous than the last. Drew was an adrenaline junkie, living off the high that came with jobs. Jasper was a much sneakier person, together they made a perfect team. It wasn't long before they started dating as well.  
  
"We've always kinda been into each other," Drew starts, pressing his face in your back with a content sigh. "But we never realized until we started working together. Getting away from the cops and laughing our asses off was one thing, getting injured, surviving and then running from the cops again was another. We started kissing after a rather dangerous job and, well, it took off from there."

* * *

 

It's a few months later before you feel the itch to run crawling up your legs. You don't tell your new friends, or Mother, where you're running off to. You simply leave, packing all of your things before leaving out the window.

You know Jasper and Drew are awake but you can't bring yourself to care. You run to the nearest town over and start stealing again, living off the streets with a slightly carefree attitude. Three months with a makeshift family has made you more relaxed than you should be, but also stronger.

You steal with ease, using your new stealth skills that Jasper taught you to your advantage. You don't think about them much as you go about your days, traveling on foot for hours before finding a train.

You travel for weeks, trying to push away your nagging loneliness as you unconsciously make your way back to them. Since you don't really stop on the way, unless it's to change trains or to hitchhike, you come back to your family faster than expected.

Mother's door is imposing, your nervousness showing in the way you try to curl in on yourself as much as possible.  _Here goes nothing,_  and with that in mind, you knock.

It's Mother who answers the door, looking disheveled and tired. You open your mouth to apologize but nothing comes out when you see her eyes widen in surprise. She hugs you, without a word, and pulls you inside. "Welcome home."

* * *

 

You never leave again after that, you steal pretty, fancy dresses for Mother and snacks for your boys for when you sit on the roof to look out at the city. You run around causing havoc and panic, laughing all the way. You're known as the Caedes Crew, which is latin for slaughter.

You don't do much for money, it's all for fame and fun. You set places ablaze, laugh your asses off and come home bruised and battered but smiling. Mother laughs it off and shakes her head at the three of you, patching you up as needed.

You act oblivious when you notice your boys testing the waters with you, flirting in their own way. Jasper brings you food when he notices you skip out on a meal, sits with you when you're too tired to stay awake but not tired enough to sleep. Drew is more straightforward, he kisses your cheeks whenever he gets the chance and pampers you with affection every waking moment.

You don't know how to feel, even though you know you adore them more than anything. You can't bring yourself to ask them to stop because you love the attention and affection they give you. It's only when you need your space do you run off for a day or two, coming back with more gifts for them. Rings for Jasper, sunglasses for Drew and a gold jewelry chain for Mother.

After terrorizing your small city for about a year, your crew was still only the four of you with Mother in charge. She was scary when need be, the rest of you were pretty much kids, grinning like idiots during meetings and all obviously armed to the teeth in case anyone tried to harm your boss. 

You met Ryan somewhere around the end of the first year of being in charge of the city. It had been... Strange, to say the least, meeting the man at the end of a meeting. Mother had greeted him with a smile while Jasper and Drew were growing angrier and more protective by the second. You stood in front of them, next to Mother, blinking at the man with curiosity.

"So, you say you're here to help?" Mother's voice was sickly sweet with a hint of warning underneath, her eyes were on you because Ryan and you stared at each other. "That is what I said, yes." Ryan's eyes go back to Mother's and you tilt your head at him.

"Why?" You're the one to speak, surprising everyone. "What do you have to gain from this? Power? Fame? Money? Don't you already have all that, mad mercenary?"

You don't miss the way those blue eyes seem to twinkle with amusement behind that mask. Mother dismisses you and the boys, but you don't move. You cross your arms and stand toe to toe with the man, a scowl on your lips. "What do you have to gain from helping us?" 

"A city to my name."

* * *

Mother takes him in despite your high levels of annoyance with the man. You watch Jasper and Drew glare at the masked man from the outlines, but you, you're up in his face whenever you can, examining him, trying to learn from watching him. It's around that time that you accept your boys' offer to join their relationship.

Of course, Ryan has to walk in on the three of you making out. You stare blankly at him while the other two grip at you tight, knowing you'll take any excuse to try and rip Ryan's throat out. "You three are each other's weaknesses. You're acting carelessly."

His words strike a nerve and before you can actually get your ass handed to you, Mother walks in and frowns. "They also keep each other strong, Ryan. I will not have you bother them about their relationship."

That's how it ends. But your aggression levels towards the man only rise, even more when he tries to teach you how to fight properly. You get your ass handed to you every single time while he tells you to let go of your stupid anger. _Feelings get you killed._

You huff as you think about it, splayed on the ground because he flipped you over again. "Are you willing to listen and learn now?" His voice is harsh and some part of you knows it's to help you, but the rest of you is just annoyed and angry and wants him gone because things were easy before him. Things were simple and happy, and then he had to come up with plans to rob the bank and scare people into joining the crew's contacts.

You follow the man one day because he said it was to scout out a place. He actually makes you sit on a rooftop with him in the afternoon and hands you a beer. You both drink quietly for a bit, Ryan's mask only lifted above his lips every time he takes a sip.

You stare at his profile for a bit before staring ahead again. "What's this about?" Your voice is quiet and shy, and you suddenly feel nervous. Just like you were with Jasper and Drew before dating them. Ryan raises his right hand in a fist bump, looking at your from the corner of his eyes. "Truce?"

There's a moment of silence where you stare at his hand and can't help but try and fight back a smile that still blooms on your lips. You bump his fist with your left one and smile at him. "Truce."

 


	2. Chapter 2

After a month of hanging around Ryan, your crew gets more and more famous, even richer. But when your boys, who became far more skilled than you had expected thanks to Ryan, are sent out of the city for a week for a job, you can't sleep. The nightmares of them never coming back haunt you tauntingly and you can't sleep anymore. After the second day, you give up and simply get out of your shared room, finding Ryan in the living room, examining a map.

He looks up at you at the sound of footsteps, his blue eyes practically shining in the dim light. "Can't sleep, I take it?" You shake your head and sit next to him, practically on his lap. He makes an annoyed sound and moves you off of him, only to groan when you curl back closer to him.

He allows it for now and the silence stretches on as you both stare at the map. You turn to look at him and grunt to get your new friend's attention. "What's the mask for? Is it in case you need to hide from your crime life?" Ryan's surprised by your sudden curiosity and he blinks at you before chuckling. "Something like that." You nod and turn back to the map.

After an hour or so, you bother him again, resting your chin on his shoulder. "Ryan. I'm hungry." He makes no move to answer and you can't help the sick smirk that grows on your lips. You sprawl all over him, whining loudly "Ryyyyaaaannn! Feed meeee!" He does a good job of ignoring you as you keep moving all over him, trying to get his attention any way possible. You give up after fifteen minutes, straddling his lap with your face in his neck. You doze off for a bit and the next thing you know, you're laid down on the couch with the man's jacket over your chest. It's morning out and Ry's nowhere to be found.

You whine slightly but slip the heavy leather jacket on, smiling brightly as you head to the kitchen. You're met with a skull masked man making pancakes. Safe to say you let out a loud enough squawk, followed by a laugh, that Mother rushes out of her room to check on you. She blinks at Ryan before muttering something along the lines of being "too tired for this shit" before she heads back to her room.

You finally calm down enough to sit down at the table, staring at Ryan's back. "Thanks for the makeshift blanket, Ryan." He nods in return and about five minutes later, you're met with a heaping plate of warm, buttery pancakes. Your head is pat by the man as he sits next to you and watches you eat with something akin to amusement. "My pleasure."

Your night and morning routines stay the same until your boys come back. When Jasper and Drew come back in, the first thing they do is crowd you and pamper you with kisses and soft words, to which you laugh at lightheartedly. They give you presents they stole from people, a necklace and a ring, a soft, high end shirt with what they assure you is fake blood. You're pretty sure they're lying. Still, you wear it to make them happy and it stops your skin from itching during nice days. Sometimes, when you still can't sleep, you get up to talk with Ryan.

You tell him about the times you were young and did stupid things and injured yourself. You tell him about how much you love it here, with the crew. He watches you and listens and when you fall asleep against him, you wake up wrapped up in his jacket. Sometimes, it's one of your boys leaving that wakes you up. You follow them to watch Drew or Jasper interact with Ryan as well. It makes you smile and return to the other every time.

* * *

 

A few more months pass until all three of you are testing the waters with Ryan, having talked about it seriously. While testing the waters with the man, while walking through the city, he buys you a knife. It's more of a showcase knife and less of a fighting one, but you still love it. It's black and shiny and it's a show of affection from the man, a show you didn't expect. Once you're home, you press a kiss to his cheek without thinking, even though he's wearing his mask. "I hope I'll get to kiss your actual cheek one day." You wink teasingly before walking off to your boys to show off your new gift.

When you're about to talk to Ryan about it, a part of your territory is attacked. A part that belongs to you personally. Your rage shows as you get dressed in your heavy, black armour, and put war paint on your face hurriedly. It looks awfully like blood in an X mark on your face and you could care less if you scare your boys. Ryan follows you out and once you're there, all hell breaks loose. For all the credit you don't receive, you command your men like an army, and they obey. Your solutions are strategic but aggressive. It's all or nothing with you.

You break through the asshole taking over your territory's protective wall of meat and charge with Ryan. You're surprised by a grenade and slammed to the floor by one of your men. It's protective but you realize quickly that it's a goddamned flash grenade. Those things leave you feeling blind for about an hour. You feel the weight on you being lifted off and you expect Ryan to grab your hand and pull you up, but what happens next leaves you thrashing and panicking. Chloroform. Everything goes dark and your world is spinning. All you know is that your men are being pushed back and immediately your mind goes to Ryan.  _Ryan Ryan no no no please, please you gotta, you gotta live, you need to come get me, Ryan please._ And then everything fades to black.

* * *

 

You wake up with a horrible headache, and for a second, for just a tiny second, you think you're home. But then it all comes rushing back and you sit up, panic and adrenaline taking over with dangerous effects. You immediately regret it as your head seems to crack and you let out a yelp, reaching for it as your try not to fall on the floor under you. Passing a hand over it, you know it's concrete. You wait, for what seems like hours, for your head to stop hurting and once you can actually look around, all courage slips from your grasp.

You're in a bloodstained torture room with no windows and a single neon light. You feel your panic crushing your heart and you know all too well why. You stare at your hands, counting from one to ten and then ten to one. There's a moment where your mind stays still and then you notice the heavy metal cuffs on your wrist, chains dangling from them. You follow the chains with your eyes, watching them lead to the wall behind you.

"Attacking the weakest link was the best idea." You hear voices, muffled through the door, and strain to listen in. Once the door opens, however, you look up, only to freeze in fear and crawl back up against the wall behind you. You'd never thought you'd be scared of cows but this man with his creepy ass mask is making things very complicated.

"I see you're awake," he starts, closing the door behind himself as he takes a few steps towards you. "It's sad that I promised your team I wouldn't hurt you if they gave up. I might have enjoyed hearing you scream. Though, seeing as I can't get myself to care usually, I suppose you wouldn't be any different."

He takes out the knife Ryan bought you and steps closer to you, squatting down to be at your level. He stabs the sharp instrument in the wall next to your head and snaps the blade off with a sick crack. You can't get yourself to stop shaking as you stare, wide eyed, at your knees. You hear him hum, something sickly experimental about the way he stares at you. As if he's a scientist and you're a frog about to be dissected. "Maybe... I'll keep you alive, after all."

And with that, the man leaves and you let go of a breath you didn't know you were holding.

* * *

You don't know how much time you've spent in this room with the cow man, but you're slowly getting used to his presence. He tells you to call him Edgar, so you do. You even greet him, though still with fear, when he walks in. Then, one day, he walks in, ties your wrists together and takes the chains off before making you stand. "Your boys are surrendering to have you back."

The relief that washes over you is evident as you follow Edgar outside, a small smile on your lips. You let yourself be blindfolded and shoved into a car before driving off wherever. Once the blindfold is taken off, you can tell you're in a warehouse. You hear the main doors open and you look up, seeing Jasper and Drew. You let out a squeal and smile so wide it hurts. You feel the tears in your eyes as you call out to them and they turn to you. They're obviously pleased that you're not injured and are about to make their way to you before Edgar clears his throat.

Everything goes to hell from there. Drew argues with Edgar, says he agreed to surrender and leave, not surrender and work for the psycho. That's when he's shot, Jasper letting out a screech of horror while you let out a blood gurgling scream, seeing Jasper get shot as well. That's when you see Mother come in and it all goes so, so fast. One shot to the head to her and a shot ringing right next to your ear, and then a deep seated pain. The world goes black again, the last thing you see this time are Jasper and Drew's dead bodies on the floor.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I only write at night. I'm sorry.


	3. Chapter 3

You feel yourself floating in the darkness, an unending rift of pure black that seems to go on forever.  _Well, fuck,_ you think, _if this is hell, sign me up._ Only this isn't hell. There's a light and you open your eyes. You're back in that room and Edgar's right there, staring you down. You try to move but your head is hurting so damn much and you have got to have been shot, right? Why else would it hurt this bad. "You're not dead." Edgar's voice freezes you to your spot on the floor.

You're not dead. But your boys are, Mother is. Ryan. Ryan can't be dead, he's too skilled for that, he's  _Ryan Haywood for fuck's sake._ Rage fills you up and makes you forget about the pain as you stand up and try to head for Edgar, only to be held back by the chains at your wrist. "You bastard! You said all they had to do was surrender!"

"And no harm would come to  _you._ "

The words make a chill run down your spine. "You screwed them over."

He throws a bag at you when you fall to your knees. You stare at it for a bit before opening it and staring,  _staring_ at those fucking- those shitty ass  _trophies_. You recoil, shaking. But nothing of Ryan's is in there. "Ryan will kill you. He'll find me, he'll tear your throat out and then bust me out."

"Will he, though?" You feel sick, and suddenly everything is too much for you. It's too hot but it's too cold at the same time, you feel overstimulated and shaky and you spew away from the bag. You hear the cow tsk and call someone to clean your mess up. "You should be grateful I kept you, pet." The pet name is empty and void of affection. It's a title, you realize with sick fear. You're a pet now.

* * *

It takes longer than expected for you to be fed. It feels like days where you stayed in the corner, shaking like a leaf. You stopped crying after what seemed like the third day. Edgar says it's only been a few hours. You have no way of knowing, but when you're presented with food, you eat it, not caring what's on the plate. Later, however, Edgar comes back in with a knife and you know you're in trouble as you let out a growl.

"You bit the hand that fed you."

"So?"

There's a hand around your neck suddenly and Edgar drags you back to the wall where your chains ar stuck. He clips your shackles so that the wall is holding you up and then slashes at your lip. You let out a screech as you feel your lip split almost completely, up and down, on the left side of your mouth. It's a punishment. You pant a bit but then growl as you look back up at your captor. "That the best you have?"

* * *

 

You wake up with stitches and disinfectant in your new wounds. Turns out Edgar doesn't like being challenged and you should be smarter than to challenge  _a man with a fucking knife._

You can already imagine Ryan's panic as he sees you and it makes you smile. At least you have that. You don't know how long it is until you're fed again, but this time you don't bite anyone. Edgar drags you out of your room a few hours later, drags you towards training rooms. There are no windows anywhere, you still don't know where you are, what time it is. You don't care so much right now. You're handed a knife and are shoved into an arena.

There's an older man on the other side, he's also holding a knife. You know what this is and you waste no time in trying to win. Your opponent is bigger, stronger than you, but you're smaller and faster, so you use that to your advantage.  _The bigger they are, the harder they fall,_ you remember Ryan teaching you this because of your smaller frame. You make the man fall but you hesitate. You hesitate because he reminds you of Ryan, of Drew. You hesitate because you're sure you see fear in those eyes. 

You look over at Edgar and you  _know_ , you know he's waiting for you to make a move, to finish the job. But you  _can't_. You can't. You feel like you're about to be sick and you're pretty sure the guy under you is figuring you out and how you  _can't kill him and this is Edgar's idea he's trying to fuck with you but you can't kill someone who looks just like Drew, you can't, you can't, you can't-_

You do it, though. Out of necessity. Because the man was about to kill you and you still have some fucked up self-preservation left in you even though your boys are  _dead_. You kill him and then get sick.

When you're locked back in your room, later, you cry. You cry because you can't stop imagining Drew under you, dead, lifeless eyes staring back at you with anger.  _You let us die, your fault, your fault, your fault._

"Ryan." You sob out your friend's name like a prayer, a need for help. You pray to something you don't believe in because Ryan is the only one who can get you out and you expect him to smash down your door any minute now. But it never happens. And you lay on the blood stained floor with tears in your eyes. The light never goes out in here.

* * *

Hours turn into days, days turn into weeks. Before you know it, Edger says you've spent three months with him already. Three months of torture and pain because you don't  _obey_. You want to tell him that taming a wolf doesn't happen when it's pack is still out there. But you know he'd just hunt Ryan down to spite you.

Instead, you're face with people to kill, people to torture. And they all look so much like home. Ryan, Drew, Jasper, Mother. But the more time you spend doing it, the less you see it. The less you remember home because you're killing every piece of it that is thrown your way. You still don't break though. You try to escape once, only to be tortured and get a broken leg. 

Once that was healed, however, you tried again. And again. And again. Torture session after torture session, you are left with a peace of mind because Ryan's coming. He has to come for you. But the more time you spend here, the more your hope seems to die. But you stay strong, you glare at Edgar and all of his men. You don't remember why you hate them, all you know is that they took something from you, something dear to you.

It's a few days later that Edgar walks in your room, followed by this duck girl. You don't even turn to look at them as you examine your scars. "Ryan is gone." A three word sentence is enough to bring your whole world to the ground. "What?"

You turn to Edgar with a newly filled, desperate rage. "Ryan can't be gone. He's coming for me."

Edgar's look says everything.  _Is he really?_

You're left alone in the dimly lit room, alone and cold and terrified as dicks because  _Ryan's gone._ That day, you break and Edgar finally has you in the palm of his hand. Take the pack away, give the wolf a new pack,it will obey.

You're given a nicer room, no longer a torture room. You get a bed and new clothes, you even get a bathroom. You don't thank him. He puts a collar around your neck with his name on it and you know what you are. You're a pet. The others call you his lap dog, you obey Edgar because he stole everything from you and somehow got you to accept your new fate.

Everything about it feels wrong but you go with it, you don't question it anymore.

* * *

 

You're told you've spent ten years with Edgar. Your shaggy, long hair agrees with that theory. He likes when you have long hair and just a bit of a stubble. He never touches you, though. Not unless it's to stab you somewhere out of punishment. You work around the base, barely talking to anyone unless need be. You have men at your disposal, but Edgar says it's only under strict need.

After a few weeks of nothing but sleeping off a rather explosive job Edgar sent you on, he drags you out of your room to plan a few more jobs. First, it's robbing a place for whatever reason, you don't listen. He ties your hair in a ponytail and gives you a rather scary dog mask. You go in with him and a few men. It's an easy in and out job. Next it's a bank, you hit it, take out a couple of cops, get the fuck out with tons of cash.

You tell the cops that someone's going to try and steal a precious piece of art going through the city, under Edgar's orders. You do it emotionlessly, almost asleep and out of this world every time. But when you learn there's a bounty on the lover of the guy you're attacking, you get tense. You don't want to know why. It's out of your head before you can actually think too hard about it. You push the glimpses of your past away when Edgar drags you out of the base and to a random warehouse.

You meet Geoff Ramsey in that warehouse, standing right next to Edgar. You look him and his hired guns over and, okay. They're pretty good looking. But now's not the time to be distracted. You have no gun, but you watch with increasing panic as one of them seems to get shot. You distance yourself from your feelings and watch as they run off before turning to Edgar. "Why don't you just negotiate with them?" He never does answer you.

* * *

 

The first time you catch a glimpse of that familiar mask, you're watching security cameras with a few low rank hackers. You see it, that black skull, that jacket you used to wear every few mornings. And everything comes rushing back in waves. You push at them, though. You can't fuck this up. Your fist clench at your side as you leave the computer room. Your room is too big for you, too big and not enough home, not enough of your boys anymore. Everything is all Edgar, Edgar,  _Edgar._

Rage fills you up once more and you have to fight it off. You need to think up a plan. Fight Edgar from the inside while Ryan and this new team he's gathering up fight from the outside. Ten years. Or, well, that's what you're told. You know better than to believe Edgar. It could've been longer just as much as it could've been shorter. You need to turn the most men you can against him. Build a team up from scratch, teach them to hate Edgar.

Most important of all: stay off of Ryan's radar.

* * *

 

You go off with Clarence G. a day or so later, acting as more of a scout than anything else. You're a dog after all. You don't wear your mask out north but Edgar gave you a pair of black sunglasses before you left. And even though you hate them, you wear them anyways. You wear a scarf to conceal your face if need be, but, mostly, your sunglasses are up on your head and your scarf is loose on your neck. There aren't any cameras up here, after all.

You spend a few days up there, sending reports to Edgar and Duckie, telling Clarence about how many men were going to be around once Duckie was done rounding them up. You count ammunitions and guns to make sure that there'll be enough for a month, buying more of those you need.

The next day, you stay out with Clarence and his bodyguard, head heavy with boredom. You barely listen to him talking to whoever about the mercs and the guns. What catches your attention are two people discreetly hiding on the rooftop.

“-is a good spot for us to bring them in,” Clarence was saying. “Not too far from the city, but remote. Quiet. There's a warehouse out here we can store the weapons once they're in.” A pause, as whoever was on the other end of the line continued speaking.

“Yes, they're arriving next week. The pirate's gonna in town, so he'll be checking in too. I'm here now. But listen, some of the others are driving up and they're going to stay here until the weapons arrive, make sure the deal goes down alright and guard them too. I'm meeting them down by the water and then I'll take them to the warehouse.”

Another pause.

“Okay,” Clarence said. “See you then.”

You watch them listen in and store the information in as the other guards come out of the restroom. You nod at them and they go straight to Clarence while you stalk off and out of the firing range of the two men up there. Before you can actually leave, however, the men move to take their shots and that mask. That mask says it all. You watch Clarence run off and then the five guards shoot but you make no move to give yourself away.

You run after Clarence and Ryan, your head tells you you're being an idiot but it doesn't stop you from running faster. When you find them, Ryan's shooting Clarence down and you're staring at him search their bodies. The other guy comes up and they talk while you hide out of view, a hand over your mouth to keep quiet. And then you ran to the woods.

You stole a bike on the way and once there, switched the sunglasses and scarf for your mask. You meet up with Duckie, breathing heavy fast. "They got Clarence, didn't get to him in time." Duckie shrugs it off with a high level of annoyance and you make your move through the woods to the lake. There's a heavy silence safe for the group's footsteps. You listen to the world around you, holding your machine gun loosely as you take soft steps through the woods. 

Getting to a campsite was not the plan. "Hey, there's someone out here," you call out to Duckie, jerking your head towards the campsite. They all gather around there, kicking about and inspecting things. You only hear them talk in the back of your mind, your eyes fixed on the people who seem to be Geoff and Jack. You watch them run but it's one of your men who calls out after them. You ignore the gunshots and start scouting about, despite Duckie's anger filled voice calling after you.

You went in the forest, searching about aimlessly. You had no plan to take Geoff and his crew down. No desire to harm the man the same way Edgar had torture you. You follow three other men around the woods and shrug at their concern. You could care less about Edgar's anger. You want him to fear Geoff, you want him to back off Achievement City. Still, when one of your men starts shooting in the air you let out a loud growl. "Fucking wasting ammo there, you pisscouch!" It's loud and strict and between your voice and the gunshots, two boys fall out of the tree you're under. You recognize the curly haired one from the warehouse and immediately duck for cover. 

_"Gavin, run!"_

You let your men get shot down as you stay behind a tree and watch as Gavin is about to get shot. You're just about to take a shot at your man when the other boy working for Geoff attacks him. You lift your gun away from the shot, not wanting to hurt Geoff's men. It ends with the last of the three on the ground and you listening in to Ramsey's orders. You run off once Ryan talks about going on the hunt. You get a good hiding spot and only come out once he and Michael, you think, are done.

Duckie picks you up and you drive back to the base, injured, tired and irritated. She curses at you a few times for being hidden so far into the woods, but doesn't tell Edgar. Edgar has people check you over quickly. But then he's rounding on you, grabbing you by the throat and pulling your mask off. "You let Clarence die. You had your eyes on his killers and you didn't do  _anything._ " You choke, coughing around his hand on your throat, your own hands on his stronger one. His grip loosens slightly, enough for you to speak.

"I- I went after Clarence. He only had one man with him- I- I thought maybe, maybe I could-" "Could what?" "S-save him..." Your voice is small and terrified because you know better than to lie to Edgar but right now, you need to infect him from the inside. You can't do that if you're dead.

He huffs, shoving you to the ground before snapping his fingers. You're carried to a torture room where you're tied to the walls with chains. He leaves more scars on you, deep and painful but nothing you haven't gotten used to over the years.

* * *

The Corpirate's mansion is boring but you're dragged there anyways, in a classy black and white suit with a blood red tie. You're wearing your mask and standing behind Pig, Duckie and Edgar, looking around with boredom. You're sent out to scout around with a few guards, a loaded gun in your hand and a bored expression under your mask. You don't care about traitors. You wanted to be with the beard dude Edgar had never named, you wanted to throw grenades and scare a town again. You wanted to distract the other guys from Geoff and Jack, but no. You're stuck here. With Edgar.

You let out a groan as you dismiss your men, placing your gun away as you inspect the halls. You see your men drag some boy- no. Not some boy. Gavin. They drag Gavin straight to Duckie and you freak out. Because he's on Ramsey's team, you can't have him dead. You follow them, switching places with the man holding his arm for a second, long enough for the man to open the door and for you to whisper "I'll make a distraction."

Doesn't seem like you have to. Not even five minutes later and you see him run off down the halls, the guards looking to you to follow him. You smirk because, hell, if they think you'll actually lead them to him, they're wrong. "To me!" You call out loudly, determination in your voice as you ready your weapon and run through the halls, checking every door and every room. Duckie is annoyed but also strangely calm. You let her handle this as you move to go see Edgar. You find him under attack. Or, really, you find his guards attacking someone. You arch an eyebrow but walk to the man anyways. "We found the traitor, sir." He turns to you and pats your head. "God dog."

You let it go, not thinking too much of it until you look at the man under attack and-

And-

Fuck. Those are Ryan's eyes. You stare but can't bring yourself to freak out. He's thrown over the railing and you look after him, panicked. But, before you can break in front of Edgar, you let out a growl. "Rush 'im, boys!" Not too long afterwards, the whole building shakes and Pig comes to usher Edgar out of the building. "Sir! Sir, what's going on?!" You follow in a panic, whistling to your boys for them to follow you. Well, for those who didn't get killed, anyways. You're quick to run to the escape car, feeling the fire at your heels. You take your mask off once you're in the car and poke your head through the window to look out at the mansion. "Holy shit. Edgar, lookit this. They blew up the fucking kitchen!" You can't help the hysterical laugh that escapes your lips.

"Now  _that's_ what I call a challenge!"

 


	4. Chapter 4

After the whole Corpirate mansion incident, you return to your room with a laugh, the fire having made you overly exhilarated. You can't believe how amazing watching the mansion  _burn_ feels. It felt like old times, old times that you couldn't remember until you saw Ryan again and dear god you feel so dumb. You fall asleep happy.

You dream of your boys and their soft, talented hands over your body. You dream of their sweet words and their loving eyes. You dream of the times they would stitch you up because Mother was busy taking care of the damages done by another gang. You dream about Jasper's soft words and the way he'd always let you know he loved you by pampering you. You dream of Drew's heavy hands on your shoulders, the way he'd kiss you so hard you almost bled, just to get his point across about how much he loved you.

Mother is there as well, you dream of her long, blonde hair and the way she would style it differently every day, always elegant and beautiful in a way that you never got used to. You dream of the way she showed you how to fire your first gun, helping you shoot well enough to hit your mark eight out of ten times. You dream of her cinnamon perfume and the way she reminded you most of home, of a loving family and how she cared about you so much.

You dream of Ryan and those stupid blue eyes, of the way you'd blow shit up and brofist it out, you grinning, and him with sparkly, amused eyes. You dream of his heavy leather jacket that he'd give you, when you were out on night jobs, because you were too cold. You dream of the fondness in his eyes when he'd look at you and your boys after silly little jobs and games. You dream of the times you helped patched him up because of jobs turning sour midway.

You dream of home.

You wake up crying, your breath coming in short, strained puffs. Your eyes burn and your throat feels like it's closing in on itself. You can't breathe, you can't move, everything hurts. Your grip at your heart, sobbing out names you haven't uttered in years. You can't help it. You miss them, you miss them now that Ryan is right there. You could run off, go to him slightly injured and sob in his arms. But you  _can't._

You can't.

* * *

 

The next morning, you're briefed about the situation. You've lost Thaddeus, Clarence, the Corpirate  _and_ Beardo. You don't pay attention the the latter's name, you simply nod, your eyes void and your face indifferent. You've already calmed two panic attacks during the meeting at the mention of Ramsey's group but you know you can't hold it in much longer.

You fear for your life while it's in Edgar's hands. He could just torture you, film it, send the video to Ryan and then kill you in front of the man. You don't know but you don't want to find out. You put your fears aside when Shadles takes you to the side to tell you about Gavin. He gives you files that you read slowly, your heart tightening at the mention of Barry and what happened. You can't help it, you see the same thing that happened to you in there. Only, Ryan never did come to save you.

You shake the thought away.  _Of course he didn't,_ you reason with yourself,  _he thought I was_ dead  _for Christ's sake._

"Good job, Shadles. Keep me updated." He nods and walks off while you head over to Duckie, waving slightly. "Edgar say anything about our next mission?"

The tall woman shrugs, her mask giving no information of what she's thinking, and looks over to the man. "Want me to ask him?"

"That'd be nice. I think he'd hit me if I asked."

She nods and walks off to your boss. You watch them talk before turning to leave. Duckie will let you know if there's anything for you to do. In the meantime, you head to the main room and scale the walls to sit in the catwalks all around. You watch the hired men down below with fake interest as you think back to the night at the mansion.

Ryan's eyes were so angry. As if pure black rage had taken hold of him. if he had ran after you before you got the chance of taking your mask off, you're rather sure he'd have killed you.

The idea of that makes you shiver and remove said mask. You want to throw it out, to throw it to the floor below, but you place it down next to yourself as you curl up and cry into your knees.

You miss home.

You miss your stupid boys setting places on fire with you, you miss Ryan's strong arm as he'd hug you, you miss Mother's smiles and kindness. You miss them so much.

You hate Edgar for taking them away, you hate him for making you feel so dead inside you almost forgot about them. You hate him for torturing Ryan psychologically. You hate, hate, hate _, hate him._

Anger boils in your stomach as you cry. You push it down. You need to keep it in case everything goes to shit, your anger and rage is your emergency fuel. The only fuel you need right now is the thought of Ryan killing Edgar.

* * *

 

You're dragged along to the bay when Gavin is kidnapped and your heart sinks every time you think about it. It's quiet, dark and rainy and you want to kill Edgar and the guards, get Gavin out and back where he belongs. You can't help it, can't help but feel like he's you in this moment. You waiting for a Ryan that isn't coming...

"Dog." You turn to Edgar, tilting your head in question before barking out a harsh "what" in his direction. "What did I tell you about being distracted." You understand the threat but still growl in response. That's about when Shadles says that Gavin is awake. And you feel suddenly sick but you know _you can't do anything to help._ You walk inside with the other guard, stare at Gavin with such great sadness that no one notices. You're pretty sure you know what he's feeling right now. And you don't envy him one bit.

You don't watch, you don't do anything as you stand against a wall with your arms crossed. Edgar doesn't care, he doesn't need your special techniques at the moment. But you can see him eying you with some kind of anger and you freeze. You can't reach out for Gavin, you have no gun.

When they put Gavin back in the pantry, you sigh, something deep and heavy in your chest as you watch Edgar again. "Why leave him in the dark?" You already know why and Edgar doesn't answer.  _So he knows he's not getting out._

It takes a few hours before Duckie's back with a few boats, a few more guards to switch the other two out. Over the years, you've gotten so used to her mask that you can't stop but giggle at it. "How much time until the mercs are here from overseas?" You need to know. "Eh, about a week or so." The answer calms your nerves enough for you to seem aloof and interested. You nod at her before walking off towards the guards. "Be on alert, I'm sure Edgar's got a plan up his sleeve."

"Like what?" You can't help the smirk that grows on your lips as you sickly reply, "oh, y'know, blowing this place up."

* * *

 

You jinxed it. You fucking jinxed your chances of survival when Edgar turned to the sound of his name being called out and got shot in the back by Jack. You jinxed it when one of the two guards came back in just as Jack threw his lighter in the fryer. You feel yourself laughing hysterically at that, however, simply because  _oh my god I fucking called it, fuck you Edgar._

You watch Jack and Gavin go out the window and you help Edgar get the fuck out of there, laughing still. "Holy shit, Edgar. I fucking  _called it._ " Edgar isn't amused at all, and, after waving at the boats, tells you to watch over things here. You whine and groan at him before laughing some more. You watch the car get away and hide in the shadows to, just as your boss told you to, watch over things. You watch as Ryan and some kid you guess is Ray kick ass on the beach.

You watch them leave and watch a boat fucking explode in flames. You laugh at it, smirking at the way it catches fire. Once Ryan's car is out of site, you take your mask off and hide it under your body armour, exploring the bay with a fake panicked expression. You find Geoff and Michael and literally screech at them as gunfire rings out near you. "Whoa, whoa! Truce, truce!" You call out, lifting your hands up in the air. They shoot at the boats for a bit before you take out your handgun and shoot one of Edgar's men in the head. You turn to them, then, smiling.

"I need you both to trust me." And they don't, it's apparent. But an enemy of their enemy seems to be an ally. They drag you to their car and you follow quickly, your long hair already wet because of the rain. You sit in the back quietly as they start driving. "I work for Edgar. And before you both shoot me, let me explain that I want him  _dead_. But I can't just kill him, I'm sorry." You take your mask out from under your armour and look at Ramsey. "I'm doing what I can to screw their plans over from the inside. All you need to do is  _not kill me._ "

"Who are you?" You turn to Michael and smile bitterly. "Just a ghost."


	5. Chapter 5

You stop further away from the bay so you can get out and talk. You have better shelter and you're hidden from Edgar's men trying to find you. Michael watches you, trying to intimidate you, while Geoff is trying to understand. "You want to help us?" The conversation feels too familiar and you chuckle, looking at Geoff then. "That is what I said, yes." You repeat the words from when you first met Ryan, the smile on your lips fond and slightly sad.

Geoff seems suspicious of you and you don't blame him one bit. You compose yourself and throw him your mask, which he catches with ease. He looks down at it before looking back up at you. "What's your name?"

You shrug, grimacing. "Eh, they tend to call me things like dog, pet, puppy and such. But that's 'cause they're all assholes." Geoff stares at you for a bit before he shakes his head. "No. Your actual name."

The question makes you falter and you stop in your tracks because you don't  _remember_. No one's called you by your name for years and you don't remember what your boys used to call you other than "sweetheart" and "darling." You look at the ground, looking for an answer but you're too lost to even come up with a fake name. In the end, you simply gaze back up and shrug, letting out a quiet "I don't know."

Michael blows up at you, anger clear in his words. "What the fuck do you mean you don't fucking know?!"

"Michael." Geoff's warning is all it takes for Michael to falter and look away from you, anger still obvious on his facial features. Geoff turns back to you and asks, with whatever patience he has left, "Then what should we call you?"

"Wolf." Your answer is clear and determined and you stand straight again, smirking dangerously. "Edgar seems to have forgotten that taming one doesn't make it a dog." And, at that, Geoff smirks right back.

"Hiding in plain sight, huh?" You shake hands, agreeing to helping each other out.

"Go, I'll distract my men, throw them off your back for a while. I don't think I'll be able to do anything about Shadles, though. So, keep moving and do  _not_ tell Ryan or anyone about me." You sigh, rubbing your face with your hands. "Though, really, knowing you two, Jack and Ray are  _bound_  to know."

Michael and Geoff seem defencive as they ask what that means. "Oh, please. Geoff, you're dating Jack. He's going to know because you'll tell him. Michael, you're just going to tell Ray to be an asshole." They seem to accept this and you let out a slight huff. "Go, now. Before I run out of time for distractions."

They leave fast enough, leaving you there without a second thought in the world and you find yourself pleased with that. You shouldn't be focused on too much in times like these. You hear your phone ringing and you curiously take it out of your pocket to stare at it. You didn't know you had blocked numbers... You pick up as soon as you figure out who it is.

"Shadles?"

"I found the house."

* * *

 

Thankfully, once you got there, everything and everyone was gone. You let out a sigh that sounds exasperated to the ears of your men and come out of the basement. None of your men found anything, as far as you know, and the only thing you can do now is drive back to the current hideout Edgar is using to tell him what happened.

The men from the bay are all dead. You thank whatever loves you for that, had you been seen shooting one of your own in the head, Edgar would've killed you faster than he did your crew.

The cow greats you with a disapproving look that you can feel behind his mask. You take off your own and untie your hair, leaving it loose as you look at the man. "Edgar."

"Why weren't you watching over things, pet?"

"You told me to _watch over things._ Which is exactly what I did. From a rooftop."

Edgar gets up far too slowly and calmly for you to not be nervous. You stare straight ahead resolutely, until he slips a hand under your shirt and you let out a loud hiss. "You know. That Gavin had many scars like you do. You wouldn't want new ones, now, would you?"

 _No._ But you can't answer Edgar, not when he's like this, you know. He slips his hand away from you and grips your chin, making you look at him. "We both know there's a reason why the cars picked you up so far. What were you doing, dog?"

"I was chasing Gavin. Isn't he the one you wanted? I saw him get in a car, I followed it's tracks. And then Shadles called me."

It's not entirely false. Geoff's car had gone the same way as Ryan's. But if you would have followed the car for anyone, it would've been for Ryan. Edgar, however, seems satisfied with your answer enough to let go of your chin before it bruises. But you still look at him, knowing he wants you to.

"I see." He hums, looking you up and down before shoving you against a wall and that's when you panic. His hand is around your throat and you stare at him, fear clear in your eyes. The look seems to be enough to satisfy him and he lets you go. "I have a new ob for you. It involves you staying in one place all day long, that way I know where you are."

* * *

 

Joel Heyman is a cute guy. You've known that since you first met him with Edgar. That day, you didn't have a mask yet, only the collar with Edgar's name on it. He had seemed interested in you, the way anyone is interested in a new, exotic kind of animal. To be fair, though, you  _had_ been eying him like he was a piece of meat.

When you're dropped off at his building, you pay no attention to the woman telling you not to enter Joel's office. You enter and place your duffel bag on the ground before looking around and whistling. This place was pretty cool. All dim lights and soft beige walls. You turn to look at Joel who's sitting at his desk with his feet up on it.

He's eying you curiously before he recognizes you. "Edgar's pet?" You nod, even though a look of disdain crossed face. He notices and shakes his head. "Wolf," you tell him, "call me Wolf." At that, however, he smiles, stands up and walks over to you, looking you up and down. And, wow, okay, he's way handsomer than you remember, but you don't get time to dwell on that. You turn around and start unpacking your duffel bag, mostly filled with small firearms and knives.

"You bring knives to gun fights often?" His curiousness makes you laugh and shake your head softly. "What do you care?"

"Well, you're my bodyguard now. I can't just rely on your knife skills now, can I?"

"I've fought mountains before, sir. No need to fret." You wave him off as you take out a sharpening stone and move to a couch near the desk. You start working at it with a calmness and the motions of knives against stone is soothing in a familiar way. You've seen Ryan do this time and time again and you replicate the motions he showed you all that time ago.

* * *

 

Turns out being around Heyman is hilarious. He's clumsy and paranoid and keeps talking about shit you don't understand. He tells you a story of one time when he was drunk and threw a bottle instead of hitting the person up the head and you can't stop laughing at it. Your knives all sharpened, Joel has managed to persuade you into taking off your body armour.

You're laying on the couch in your tank top and black armour pants, smiling lazily at the man and it's been so long since you've laughed this hard that you feel tired suddenly, but not in a bad way. You remind yourself not to get too close as the man works away on his computer, Kara walking in every now and then. She ended up bringing you and Joel dinner that evening, nothing too fancy, just enough food for you to feel like sleeping.

And sleep you did. It didn't seem to bother Joel, when you woke up. Because it was noon and he had put his coat over you and you were still tired but he was sitting there at his desk and he watched as you sat up. And, out of habit, you put the coat on, not thinking about it too much as you stood. "There coffee?"

Joel pointed over to a coffee machine before going back to his computer and you poured yourself a cup mindlessly. You walked back to the man's desk and blinked at him. "Why didn't you wake me up?  _How_ didn't I wake up?" And you realize now that you had had slight sunlight in your face from a window over the couch and you still hadn't woken up.

"Eh, might have slipped a sleeping pill in your food to make sure you wouldn't kill me during the night." And you laugh at that, you laugh long and hard because it makes  _sense_. Edgar's a crazy man, he could've sent in someone to act as Joel to get as many mercs as possible without paying a dime. You shake your head softly. "Seriously, sir. I'm not going to kill you. If anything, I'm going to take down Edgar."

The words left your mouth too fast and Joel looked up at you before turning away from his laptop. "And how are you going to do that?" Nervousness hit you then, hard and fast as you stare at this man with somewhat of a hateful glare. "Non'a yer business." You ground out, angry now. He only smiles at you before motioning to a chair in front of his desk.

"Honestly, I know the outcome of this game Edgar is playing. Ramsey is going to win, and I'm willing to help  _you_ make that happen."

You give him a shocked, suspicious look as you sit down. "What do you mean? What do you want in exchange?"

Joel only smiles and waves a hand. "Ramsey will most likely come to me once they figure out I'm the one getting all those hired guns for Edgar. They'll get me what I want. Those that I won't be able to take back from this job, will be under your command."

The words shake you up but you suddenly smirk, wide and wild and completely exhilarated. You haven't commanded men around in so long, you almost forgot what it felt like to be in control of a team. "I'm in."

* * *

 

You learn of Duckie's death a few days later but you can't bring yourself to miss her. Sure, she was the only ally you had there, the only one that treated you with a bit of respect, but with her dead... Well, you're only one step closer to taking down Edgar. You tell Joel about her, a wide, pleased smile plastered to your lips. He takes this information with a slightly concerned hum.

"Doesn't this mean he might come down on you harder now?" His concern is evident and you don't know when you let him start caring about you. You shrug. "Doesn't matter much. There's not a lot of pain I can't take thanks to him." There's a slight anger in Joel's stare as he goes back to his computer.

He turns back to you a few minutes later. "What did he do to you?" You chuckle at the question, taking your tank top off to reveal your uncountable scars and the few stitches that are still healing. "Eh, y'know. Bunch'a stuff."

The sight of your chest and back makes Joel flinched and you know he's probably seen worse but you shrug and put your tank back up. "First thing he did to me was cut my lip open. I got a scar on the forehead from a stupid ass job went wrong. The rest is all torture for disobeying him."

You didn't block things out well, but after so much torture, you had begun laughing at Edgar when he tried to hurt you, which really only proved to piss him off further. Sure, the first few times were hell, and you were pretty sure you were dying. But then the pain just seemed... Normal. So you rolled with it. It sure as hell helped on jobs, anyways. If you got shot, then at least you could push through the pain without much of a hitch.

Joel seems disgusted at the thought of it and you chuckle. "You know, before I saw Ryan again, I had actually forgotten about what my life was like before Edgar. It just seemed natural. Being there." You sit on the couch again and trace the collar on your neck with the tip of your finger. You recoil at the feeling of hard leather, as if you had been burned.

"Why didn't you just run away?" "He always found me in the end." Your voice is too calm for how you actually feel. Your heart is a mess and your head is spinning, spinning, everything burns and it's too cold in the room and suddenly there's a hand on your neck and you can only think about Ryan as your turn to the man next to you, a dazed look on your face. Joel pulls you against him and holds the back of your head to his shoulder.

You smell in the crisp, almost winter-y, scent of Joel and relax. It's not the fire, coal and gunpowder that you're used to but you don't mind too much, Joel is comforting in a way. You can't fall asleep but after a while, you notice that you stopped shaking. Not that you had noticed the shaking before, you guess it's just because you finally stopped that you notice. 

Joel pulls back and looks at you, tracing the scar on your lip gently. There's a nice, comfortable silence between the two of you before you smile. "Thanks. Didn't notice how far gone I was." He seems startled by your voice and you laugh, your smile bright. "Ah, no problem. Glad I could help."

* * *

 

Joel never asked about Ryan, about your past and why the mad mercenary had triggered it to come back. He didn't ask- and even if he did, oh god, even if he was the nicest person you had met in so long you couldn't just spill all your secrets like that -and you didn't tell. It kept things better, you realized. Joel didn't poke into your past and you didn't poke into his.

But, you did borrow his computer, during the night, looking for anything about your team and you remember Mother being a great hacker and covering your tracks but you remember the passwords and you back hack everything and- you ended up crying, curled up in a ball after reading because fucking  _Edgar_ again and again and he was always there and fuck - _they're_ _all dead_.

The next morning, after closing everything, covering all the tracks again, hiding the pictures of your old teammates, you still don't look for your name. You prefer not quite remembering it. You want Ryan to tell you what is. You want him to be the first one to say it again. It's dumb, you know it is. But you miss him with a passion and you know he'd say it perfectly.

While thinking about this, Kara walks in, looking rather rattled. You raise an eyebrow at her only for her to motion outside. "Ramsey's out there with his team." You make an  _'oh'_ with your mouth before turning to Joel.

Kara and him start talking and you join in silently, looking at what Heyman wants them to get. You almost laugh. Almost. Because  _jesus fuck Joel you greedy bastard_. Fucking gold, right? You stare at the man with a bewildered smile and suddenly understand just  _why_ he said he didn't need a payment from you. You tie your hair up before going closer to the door. You open it slightly and peek through, looking for Geoff and Michael. No one really notices you so you close the door again and turn to Joel. "Dude, if I were actually with Edgar, I'd totally be shooting them right now." _  
_

Joel laughs, quiet and breathy because of the men in the other room and you can't help but smirk. "I wanna scare the living crap outta them but I also don't wanna die, so."

You start listening in to Kara and Joel again before Kara slips off. "She gonna be okay?" You ask worriedly. It's not the fact that she's a woman, it's the fact that she  _seems_  weak. Which only results in making Joel smirk. "She has her own gun and she's a damn good shot. I wouldn't worry too much." You splutter and look at the door with slight shock. "You mean she'd actually shoot one of them if threatened violently?" Joel nods and laughs at your bewildered expression.

You hadn't expected that from Kara. When they're all gone, you see her walk in the office, huffing angrily. "I can't believe he was so rude!" You laugh, good and hard, loud and contagious. Before long, Joel and Kara are both laughing. "I mean, he's the boss of this city, Kara, what'cha expect?"

Kara rolls her eyes at you before shaking her head, smiling. "I'll get you two dinner."

* * *

 

A few days later, you learn of Shadles death and Edgar's anger is crisp and clear and you don't know how much time you have left with Joel, but it's coming to an end. The mercs are pulling back more and more every day and you both don't say much. "How did we become friends in, like, four days?" You ask one evening, laid down on the couch.

Joel turns to you, blinking softly and you raise an eyebrow in question. "Are we not friends?" Joel shakes his head and you panic a bit. "No, no, we are." You calm down at that. "It's just, I wasn't expecting you to admit it."

You realize how it must seem but, really, compared to what you've read up about Ryan, you haven't been alone all these years because you had chosen so. You had been alone because you were forced to be. Sure, you weren't going to tell just anyone about what had happened, but that didn't change much.

You shrug, turning your gaze to the ceiling. "So, once I'm out of Edgar's grasp, think you can get me a nice vacation somewhere?" You smile at the idea and relax at Joel's laugh. You talk about silly little things from there on between his calls and emails. Kara brings you lunch and then disappears at the front desk again.

And, okay, maybe you  _are_ getting too close too fast. But Joel is nice and warm and his hand ruffling your hair feels too good for you  _not_ to lean into it. And maybe you shouldn't dread leaving him without protection, maybe you shouldn't dread Edgar's stupid orders of a hit. Because it'll happen but you won't go through with it, you've told Joel that many times ever since Ramsey came over. He doesn't seem scared, or even bothered, says that it wouldn't be the first time someone tried to get rid of him.

You spend a few more days doing nothing but lay on the couch and at Joel's and sleep. It feels good, actually. Being able to rest so much without much care. Joel takes care of you and you take care of any threat that may come. When the boys finally come back, you're half asleep and perched up on Joel's desk, reading a book. Kara walks in and, quietly, in an excited fashion, squees at the both of you.

Joel blinks before he's shown the gold and then he's  _gone_. He's staring at it and smiling and looking so fucking gleeful you can't help but stare. You shake your head, smiling as you get out of the office without much of a second thought. But the sight of Ramsey's men turning to look at you has you hiding back in Joel's office only for Kara to come striding out, giving you enough cover to hide.

And for a second, you're sure Ryan's eyes were glued to you, a panicked daze to them as they bore holes into you and  _shit_ , you thought.  _Gotta hide, gotta run._  The only thing you did was move to your couch and pull Joel's coat on, whining slightly at the direction of the door. "Is it the real deal?" "Yep." You nod, staring at the door still.

A few minutes later, you get out and turn to Kara. "Did he...?" Her confusion answers your question quickly. Ryan hadn't asked about you, but you knew Michael and Geoff had recognized you.


	6. Chapter 6

When Edgar called you back, the next day, you knew what was going to happen. You didn't dread it as much as you dreaded leaving Joel. He had been kind and sweet to you, same for Kara. You had taken a liking to both of them and before leaving had promised that if- if because there was a higher and higher chance of you dying, if not by Edgar's hands, then by Ryan's -you survived, you'd come back to see them.

They seemed happy about that, Joel handed you a bottle of the priciest wine he had before you left and you were baffled. He sent you off with 'good lucks' and a short hug. It was nice, familiar and homey in a way that you had missed for the past how many years.

It didn't last long. Edgar was faking his calmness because of the men around but once it was only you and him, he rounded on you faster than you imagined was possible. "Do you think I'm stupid, pet? Stupid enough not to realize when you're working behind my back?" You shiver in fear at the words and start mumbling a few things without really thinking, a few lies.

He grabs you by the throat and you let out a yelp, grabbing at his arms ineffectively. "I've seen you falter when we had Gavin. You didn't do anything to help. What do you have to say for yourself?"

There was a moment where you were sure you couldn't breathe as your eyes widened and you stared at the floor, panicked. "I-" You cut off as Edgar let go of you and slaps you so hard across the face that you fall to the ground. You're not unused to this, but the sting is still there and it's been a while since Edgar saw fit to  _hit_ you instead of stabbing you.

He calls guards, then, makes them take you to the torture room you so loathe. Edgar doesn't follow inside, though. That creepy cow just closes and locks the door once you're in. You don't make a move for it, you simply go to a wall and slid down to the floor with your back against it. You're terrified.

You don't know how long it's been but you're  _starving_ by the time Edgar comes back. He gives you food that you eat quickly, humming quietly at the taste. And then you're dragged to a car and given your mask. You put it on without question after tying your hair into an unruly ponytail.

The car is stupidly quiet as you drive wherever. You start recognizing the street to the Corpirate's along the way and you grumble your displeasure. Fortunately for the others, your punishment has left you more than a bit tired and obedient. Once there, you grumble loudly about the rain and follow the men inside.

It's not so much the rain as it is the man in charge of the group. After a bit, he threatens you with his gun unless you stay quiet. You laugh, snapping your fingers and two men start stepping forward. "You're forget that Edgar's lap dog has more power than you, you replaceable moron." The man pales and puts his gun away. The other men back off of him and start following again.

You linger behind, taking your mask off with a slight huff. What's the point of it, anyways? You stop as you stare at it questioningly. It's not like you couldn't just take the collar off and run. By now you know that there's a tracking chip in it and it'd be easy to remove the heavy leather from your neck and just leave it on the floor. You could just leave, run off.

You look up and start walking again.  _But Ryan will need all the help he can get..._ The thought strikes a slight nerve in you as you catch up to your group.

* * *

  

You sure as hell did  _not_ expect the amount of explosives in the library. You didn't expect the grenade launcher, either, and the sight of it made you skittish. You tensed up, holding back a growl at the man before almost reaching for it. "I so do  _not_ trust you with th-" You stop and back off when the man turns the weapon against you. "Are you fucking insane?!"

You start fighting back and forth, insulting each other as the men take the explosives outside. "Edgar will have your head on a fucking spike, you stupid bitch!"

Suddenly, suddenly you wanted nothing more than to stab the man in the throat, to stab all of them. You wanted out, wanted back to Ryan so that you could snuggle up to his side and  _relax_ for once. You wanted back to Joel, back to the easy banter as you watched him work. And you can feel your rage clawing it's way up your throat and you hate that you're treated like a mangy  _mutt_ when you're a wild wolf.

You don't know Edgar's plans but dear  _God_ do you not like the looks of it. You ignore the man as you move to one of the boxes, checking inside with a hiss. C4, of course. You groan loudly and step out the room, going to check in with Joel on your phone. You call the man, muttering a few things far from the others. "You might wanna get the fuck outta town for a week or so, got enough explosives to but a fucking hole in all of AH. Stay safe, man."

You run out at the sound of a gunshot, following the men outside with a sick twist in your stomach. And shit,  _shit, shit, shit_. "Run!" You scream out without thinking, running after Ramsey's men. You ignore the others behind you but suddenly duck behind whatever cover you can find at the sight of a gun in Ryan's hands. But then he's dragged of by Geoff. You turn to Edgar's men and your blood runs cold as the grenade launcher is shot before you can stop it.

"Are you fucking kidding me!" You roar as you run away from the explosion, seeing the walls come down in the more burned parts of the house. You run outside and start panicking, only to go find a higher up hiding spot to observe things. You find some of your men coming outside and you move to them with a slight panic. "Forget the explosives! The other guy is insane, we need to get moving! The house is gonna fucking collapse on us!"

The men seem worried and start arguing about Edgar's anger and you groan loudly, almost screeching at them as you take a gun from one of them and start heading back inside. "He's just a man! Why is everyone so  _fucking scared of him_!!" You can't help the white hot rage dragging up your spine and you ignore the fact that you're also just as terrified of Edgar as they are.

You grumble as you move through the house, kicking at the debris and killing any men too injured or too trapped to be saved. You don't care, not really. If it had been during the days of your crew, you would have, you would've done anything to save anyone, but here and now? You didn't care or have the  _time_ to care.

You grumbled as you let the others go to the library. You needed that fucking grenade launcher. You moved quickly through the debris, only pausing when you saw Ray and Jack in a room, talking. You stopped, watched them from the shadows before slipping back and going back to the carpark in a hurry. You step outside with an enraged scowl, looking around pointedly as tension fills the air.

You're pushed inside one of the cars as it starts taking off and are surprised by loud gunshots. You look back and stare at Ryan as your car leaves and you almost will yourself to _get the hell out of this car and run to him, help him, you stupid fucking fuck._ And you feel tears at your eyes when you see men charge out the house and yeah, you kick the door open and jump out, quickly turning to roll in the water. You take the mask off to remove the overload of water and hurry to cover.

You shoot at a few of your men, distracting them from Ry before actually shooting them down and  _shit the one with the assault rifle was still firing and Ryan was stuck, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan._

You can't bring yourself to move, frozen where you are against a wall, slipping the mask back on and if it weren't Ryan you wouldn't have even gotten out of the car, if it were one of your boys that had survived, you would be at their side, shooting down the asshole with the rifle, but as it is- it's Ryan. Ryan who might not forgive you as easily as Jasper or Drew would, Ryan who has a new team already, Ryan who you miss more than anything and you can't bring yourself to distract anyone in case you die before you get to talk to him again.

The sound of someone screaming made you turn tail and run before the explosion happened. You were able to catch one of the cars that had stopped for you a few kilometres away. You slip in and take the mask off with a loud sigh before relaxing in the passenger seat. "We get most of it?" You can't help but sound highly annoyed as you stare ahead. The positive answer sends you reeling but you only nod slightly.

* * *

 

Getting back to Edgar left you in a sour mood as you scratched at the collar around your neck, glaring as you walked to your room. You were stopped by the big who gave you a slight glare. "We need to move things along. Now." You groan and wave him off. "I'll be over in a minute, just gonna dry up and change."

You get to your room and into the bathroom, shedding your clothes to look at yourself in the mirror. Edgar's attempt at scarring you again, about a week ago, was lost on your chest and back. You inspected your chest softly, tracing your older scars from better times with your boys and Ryan, couldn't help the hot pain in your chest at the thought of Ryan because _you didn't know if he was_   _fucking okay or not_. And the thought probably disturbed you more than it should at the moment, because Edgar had a plan up his sleeve and it involved blowing shit up and you were  _terrified-_ because had it been a different time, had it been with your boys, Ryan and you, you wouldn't have hesitated, would have gone head first into it- but it wasn't. You were stuck with Edgar and his maniac schemes and chilling mask.

You rubbed your face and dried up, getting dressed quickly before heading down to the meeting hall, nerves jittery and hands shaking. You got there, put your mask on and sat at your spot next to Edgar. He seemed so angry, his posture suggesting desperation and you knew- god you knew because it had  _happened to you_ -it would be bad.

He started explaining his plan, which was easy enough. Set up the explosives, blow shit up and go back into hiding. The tricky part was then to lure them to Andrew, to hopefully kidnap them- and if not all then at least a small group because the others wouldn't be far behind.

You understood what that meant. You'd be with Andrew when it all went down, from what Edgar had said. Either that or you'd be waiting at the designated meeting point. Your blood boiled at the thought of kidnapping one of Ryan's new teammates- or more, god he could take all of them except Ryan just to make it worse and god you didn't want that didn't know if you'd be able to handle it if it came to it -but you were able to quelm it when Edgar looked to you.

"We'll have to expect them, of course. So, maybe a hideout further away from the city but closer to the main base? That way it'll be easier for  _us_ to reach it, but for them, it'll take time. They'll be there once Pig and I are out with the others." And you hate yourself for helping, hate yourself for giving ideas, but you  _have_ to, at least to stay alive. And if worse comes to worst, you'll get them out, shoot everyone and then cut the men loose, leaving with them.

Hopefully, hopefully, you don't die before that.

Edgar leads you back to the torture room, needing to relieve anger. And you're surprised by how _human_ and  _emotional_ he is all of a sudden, like he's new, isn't supposed to be alive. You stare straight at him when he straps you to the wall. And, sure, he gets a whip, rips your clothes off to make it easier for him, but you don't feel much of it.

You're bleeding badly by the end of it, but you're rushed to the small nurse's office in the building, where you're patched up and taken care of. You could thank them but at this point, all you really wanna do is harm someone hard. You stare at the slash marks and huff to yourself, growling as you can't sleep, can't even lay down on your bed because  _they fucking itch_ and  _I need to scratch them they itch, they itch, they_ itch.

You stay up all night, staring at the ceiling thoughtfully. You could easily run off right here and now and spill the plan to Geoff, but if you did that, things would change. And you needed to keep the plan like this. It would be easier, for all of you. Even with some of them got taken. At least busting them out would make Ryan trust you enough not to ask about the mask.

You stand up abruptly, pacing around the room nervously. Maybe, just maybe. After they bust out, you could follow them. Abandon the collar and just follow them back to where they're hiding. It sounds good, solid. You can't help the smile that blooms on your lips as you wait for morning. _Edgar better be fucking ready,_ you think  _His dog is just about to reveal it's true colours._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm staying up all night to write this for you guys. Which, hey, is nothing new. But still. I hope you enjoy!  
> I'd also like to thank everyone for all the nice comments and the kudos! You're the best. <3


	7. Chapter 7

Edgar's explosion plan happened faster than you thought it would. The next day you were on the grounds, guarding some men from prying eyes as they set up explosives around some of Geoff's hideouts. But, of course, when the charges were laid down, Edgar called you.

God you wished he hadn't. You felt sick as you watched him stab a pipe through a man's heart before burning the others alive and  _okay, fuck, I need to get out_  was the only thought running through your head as you drove off and made everything explode. Seeing things burn and go to hell made you let out an exsatic whoop, only because of the memories it brought back.

You were soon handed over to Andrew, who you hated just as much as you hated Edgar. He was arrogant and annoying and suddenly, all you wanted to do was let out your rage on him. You didn't.

Not even when you had cover and were hidden away.

You waited for a few days, watching your surroundings like a predator waiting for it's prey. You needed to find them, scare them off before Andrew got his hands on them. And, okay, maybe you  _were_  a bit freaked out by Edgar's display, but being around him for years had made you used to his psychopathic murders. It didn't mean they were easier to deal with, but you forget them with ease when you push them back, treat them as a nightmare.

They always end up leaving your head. But those burned bodies... there was something angry in Edgar when he'd done it. Almost like he wished for it to be Jack, Michael, Ray and Gavin. Suddenly, it was the same kind of anger that grasped at your heart. You wanted to set Edgar on fire, wanted to hear him scream behind that bovine mask.

You pushed the thought back before going inside for some well needed rest. You just hoped your stitches would heal up sooner than later. You'd hate to pull them at the warehouse.

It's a few days later before Ramsey's team comes sneaking up on them. But Andrew expected them, knew that this was where it was headed. You couldn't help but grumble as you started moving for the flash grenades. At least it wasn't Geoff or Ryan, that would've been disastrous. Michael knows you, so there's that.

You and your group drive off with Jack, Gavin and Michael. You can't help the nervous jitters overcoming you when you watch them in the back, all tied up just in case they wake up. And it's too close to what happened to you, too close to what happened to Gavin before. The only thing that helps calm you down is the fact that Edgar won't be there.  _There won't be any torture. Edgar needs them alive and cooperative._

Sure, the thought of Edgar sent a sickeningly terrified chill down your back, but you couldn't help being hopeful. Because hopefully, hopefully the others would find some way to get there faster, some way to save the men in the backseat. And that's all that keeps you from stabbing everyone in the car and  _saving_  them. Because you  _need_  to keep Edgar's trust. Just a little while longer.

* * *

 

You hate this place. Hate it more than anything. You're standing watch at the door of the holding cell and you can't help but want to walk in and untie all three of them.

You listen in as they wake up, your eyes closed, can't help but smile at their banter, even when Gavin is slightly panicked.

After a few minutes of the three talking and you holding back quiet laughter, Andrew came in. Thankfully, you had your mask on and he couldn't see your overly amused smile. But then you both walked in and Gavin- Gavin bit Andrew and you let out a sharp, quiet laugh as you stayed behind. You leaned against a wall and watched, smirking sickeningly as Gavin's anger filled you with anticipation.

Yeah, they'd make it out of here. Andrew's words make you huff and you turn to Michael, winking at him before walking over silently. "I'll try and bust you out if I get the chance, Jones." Your voice is low, quiet and you see Jack staring at both of you then pointedly glaring at you. "Act as if I threatened one of you, best that way."

And boy did Michael act, spitting towards you wasn't something you expected but you let out a startled, deep, low laugh as you watched. You walked back to your wall, leaning your back against it with your arms crossed. Michael gave you a short nod and you nodded back, not looking at Jack.

You turned to Andrew when he said something about them having to surrender when they had the chance. You roll your eyes and scoff.  _Sure_ , you think, bitterly.  _If they did that, it'd only be to break your neck when you're not looking, you arrogant asshole_.

Michael's words had you looking at him with a slight glare.  _The fuck kinda game are you playing at, Jones?_

You almost stopped Andrew yourself, almost got there and smashed a punch in his face when he started beating on Michael. You could feel yourself bristling and tightening with anger. Once he was done, however, you followed him outside only to punch him good and hard on the shoulder. He recoiled from you and before he could whine, you walked back towards Michael, closing the door behind you.

You sigh deeply, watching the three with a tired expression before taking the mask off and walking to Michael. You take out a cloth from you pocket and wipe some blood off of the man's face gently. "Now that Andrew's gone, I suppose it's time I go look for my chance at causing a distraction." You still feel Jack's eyes on you, suspicious and angry.

Michael shoots him a look and you almost blush at what you see in those eyes.  _We can trust him._  And they can, but you hadn't expected Michael to still remember you. You listen to them exchange words about Andrew before there was a commotion outside. And that's when you grin, bright and happy. "Seems like I won't have to bust you out, after all." You laugh as you put the mask back on and hurry out the room.

You hide from the others and watch them storm the room before going to Geoff. "I'll be planting a few explosives here and there, Ramsey. Distract them long enough for you guys to get clear. Alright?" Geoff is slightly startled by your sudden appearance but he nods before shooing you off. "Can't have Ryan see you if I remember correctly."

You're off before you can be seen. You throw grenades here and there from the catwalks, having scaled the warehouse walls carefully and quietly. You shoot at random men, dropping your mask without a care because this,  _this_ , is the outcome. It's all or nothing now. You quickly get rid of the collar, scratching at your neck where the heavy leather had once been, and throw it as far into the compound as possible. It attracts attention and you quickly take down a few more guards.

* * *

 

You're still in the catwalks when Andrew has Gavin by the neck and you're ready to take the shot, ready to shoot if need be, if Gavin can't get out or if the others can't get a clear shot. You feel frozen as you stare at Andrew's head, cold and angry but also somehow void, as if seeing Gavin in danger is making you too panicked to feel.

You know you shouldn't feel that way but then suddenly, Gavin's rounding on Andrew and kicking his ass and you can only stare in disbelief as Gavin, scrawny, stick figure Gavin, takes down Andrew with strength and  _rage_.

You watch and listen, listen in as Ryan mutters something about fire and as much as it is about the 'gift' Edgar left them, it also reminds you of the kitchen fire at the Corpirate's. You chuckle softly, shaking your head as you relax and lower your gun again. You expect Gavin to take the shot. You almost  _want_  him to, even though you're pretty sure he's never even fired a gun.

So, when Gavin refuses, you can't help but smile, something like pride swelling in your chest because  _wow_. And you're too used to being the one with the blood on your hands to mind when you lift your gun to Andrew's head, smirking slightly. You wait, watch Dan about to take his shot until Michael takes it and you blink. You watch Andrew slump before you're back on alarm as you overhear people starting to panic.

You waste no time going towards the voices and shoot down whoever's there, nodding to yourself with a calm expression. You pick your mask back off the catwalks as you scout the area. But once Ryan, Geoff and Dan walk back in, you beat a hasty retreat, waiting outside to track down their car back to their current hideout. And maybe you appreciate the way the place burns down fast and hot. It feels good to feel warm, to know that anything that tied you back to Edgar was stuck in that fire, burning. He probably thought you were dead now.

You throw your phone in the fire before following the tire tracks at a slow pace. And your feet ache, everything aches, really. But once you reach the house, it's morning again. So, you walk up to the front door, seeing no one outside, and knock. The soft sunlight is grey but slightly warmer than the night had been. You're greeted by Geoff's familiar face and he blinks at you slightly. "Aren't you... Supposed to be fucking shit up?"

You laugh, loud and hoarse and just a little hysterical. "I think you did that enough. I mean, I did too, but you did more." Geoff steps back and lets you walk inside. You untie your hair after lifting your mask off and let it be as you walk to the empty couch, sitting down on it tiredly. "Actually, Edgar probably thinks I'm dead right now. Left my collar in the fire, same for my phone. Can't be tracked down." You take out the sim card from your pocket and hand it over to Geoff, who's still standing right there. "Smart enough to remove this, I see."

You shrug, relaxing into the couch tiredly. "There might be info on there, I wouldn't really know. It's not like I know the main base, either. Edgar doesn't stay where I do often. When he does it's... Not for the best reasons."

By now, you've both attracted attention and you see Michael and Jack walk out of the kitchen to greet you. You smile at them and nod. "Oh, hey, Wolf." Michael greets you with a slight smile, though he still looks wary of you. You understand. You've been working under Edgar for so long that the thought of betraying him is still strange, in a way.

You don't exactly expect Ryan to walk in the living room, however. And when you turn to look at him, you both freeze. He turns to Geoff pointedly and motions to you. "What's  _this_?" You almost feel hurt but you understand. And before Ryan can lose his shit anymore, you adjust your mask and walk over to him, extending a hand. "Wolf. Double agent of sorts. Working under Edgar, for Geoff Ramsey." You don't miss the way Ryan seems to calm down slightly at the mention of you working for Geoff. "Ryan Haywood, yes?" He nods and shakes your hand. You can't help the smile that blossoms on your lips.

"Nice to meet you." You let go of Ryan and turn back to Geoff, crossing your arms. "I can give you one place where he might be, though. Could be a trap." You shrug, taking out a map from one of your pockets. You walk back to the couch and place the map on the coffee table, pointing at the location circled in red. "There. From what I know, they've been handling weapon trades there on and off for the past week. I know because I was sent to one of the trades. Didn't end all that well."

Geoff nods and asks if you'll come along. You have to decline, your stitches already pulling slightly because of the warehouse job. You leave your weapons with them to try and build some kind of trust. You head for the bathroom with the first aid kid and start getting undressed. Your stitches are bruised on the edges of them and you have a deep purple, almost black, bruise on your cheek. You can't remember where you got it but you pay no mind to it as you clean your stitches.

Once you come out, you're surprised to be approached by Michael. "So, you're really on our side now?" He seems hesitant, like he doesn't quite believe that you'd work against Edgar. "If it means Edgar dies, then yes." He nods, but you can see he's still unsure. You let it go and walk back to your weapons, picking up one of your knives to make sure the edge is straight.

No one really goes near you, not that you mind. Geoff seems to have left with Jack and Gavin, you assume to set up cameras at the location. After a few hours, you relax into the couch, feeling comfortable for the first time in a long, long time. You don't even realize you're asleep until you wake up curled up on the couch, a blanket over you. Maybe this won't be so bad.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for disappearing on you guys! Work, y'know?

It wasn't so much that being around Ryan made you awkward. It was more of the fact that you wanted to rip your mask off and spill your guts to him, more of the fact that you wanted to fall asleep curled up to him again. It hurt, more than anything, being this close to your old friend but being so far away at the same time.

It hadn't lasted long. When you woke up and dragged yourself to the kitchen, the blanket discarded on the couch, you barely made a move for the box of cereal on the counter. You didn't notice Ray and Michael staring at you as you looked on ahead, seeming dazed. You had walked back out of the kitchen, put your combat boots on and stepped into the chilly mid-afternoon air. You barely took a few steps down the porch stairs when you heard Ryan ask what you were doing.

You looked at the man, sleepiness still obvious in your hooded eyes behind your mask. "Dunno," you replied, somewhat nervously, as you kept walking. So, when you were finally out of earshot but still in eyesight, you sat down on the cold ground.

And here you are now, laying in the dirt under Ryan's watchful eye. You're not really sure what to do other than wait. But when you hear a car, you're in action immediately and you take your pistol out. You get into position before recognizing Geoff and Jack in the front seats. Relaxing, you put your gun away before heading back to the house.

Ryan doesn't say a word when you come back inside, not that you expect him to. You watch the boys touch and exchange soft glances with each other, leaving you and Dan out of it. Your stomach twists up before you tell Dan you need to check up on yourself. He warns the others as you head off to the bathroom.

You shed your top layers after locking the door. Your mask is really the first thing to go off, you can only see Edgar when you wear it. Staring at your chest, you scowl at the slightly pulled stitches. Those are always a bitch to take care of yourself at such an angle. You examine the deep gash running up and down on the left side of your collarbone, a slight anger bubbling inside you. 

You discard the feelings and turn away, looking at your back as best as possible. You ignore the planning coming from the living room as you try not to drown in everything.

Once you get to shake the feelings off, you get dressed and shave. You hesitate at your hair before simply tying it again and then placing your mask back on. You step out just as Ryan is about to knock. His hand collides with your shoulder and you flinch, your own hand going to it in a flash, the touch making your injury pulse with slight pain. You both stare at each other before he clears his throat. "Gavin wants to see you."

You follow Ryan back to Gavin, letting your shoulder go on the way, and nod in his direction. "How can I help?" Gavin seems unsure at first and glances at Geoff who smiles and nods at him to continue. "You know that place inside out, right? Having been there many times and all." You nod, blinking softly. "Then we'll need you on the inside before the next weapons trade, whenever that is," Geoff finishes and you look up at him.

"That could be in months. Do you seriously expect me to stand-" You pause, suddenly turning to Gavin. "Mind lending me your phone for a second?" He seems hesitant but does so. You immediately call Joel.

"Hey, Joel! I need your help with this thing. Got any numbers of anyone that'll listen to me even though they work under Edgar?" Everyone stares at you as you talk casually and relaxed, slumping with a loss of tension as your face lips into a grin. "Oh, hey Wolf! I do, actually. Tried calling your phone, what happened?"

You chuckle softly. "Burned it to make Edgar think I'm dead. Anyways, don't have much time, but I'll come see you once this is over, yeah? Alright, thanks."

You write a number down and, after hanging up with Joel- "No, I'm not gonna die, Joel. Joel- Joel! I'll come back! Relax, already. You sound like a paranoid freak. Oh wait... That  _is_ what you are. Never mind." -you call the number. Some man answers, his voice gruff and irritated.

"This is your superior Wolf speaking. I assume Heyman's already told you what to do?"

There's a moment of silence as you turn your back to the others and wait. "You're the one he told us to listen to, right?" "That'd be me, yes."

Another moment of silence, shorter this time. "What do you need, sir?" You smile victoriously, pride bubbling in your chest. "The next weapons trade and for all of you to make sure everyone thinks I died in the fire. Understood?"

Once you're done being safe and telling them to delete all information regarding this number, you turn back to Gavin and hand him his phone back. "Then next trade is in a week, next Friday," You inform them, tensing slightly as you feel all eyes on you again. "You know Heyman?" Geoff sounds more surprised than anything else. You shrug.

"Bodyguard job while you guys were stealing that gold. He's a nice guy." You wave the other questions off before looking at Gavin. "You installed cameras, right?" He nods and turns his laptop for you to see. The angles are good and you smile at them. "There are a few secret rooms I can show you once we're there, Geoff. They already have cameras you can hack into, Gavin." Everyone seems pleased with the plan as they go back to relaxing and lounging about.

You, on the other hand, follow Dan and Gavin to the garage, ignoring the sandy blonde's numerous questions until you're all seated. With a loud, exasperated sigh, you turn to Gav. "Gavin. I'm going to give you a warning people in our line of work already know, alright? Questions get you killed. So, stop asking. Thank you."

Gavin stares at you for a bit before shaking his head. "So I can't ask you questions?" You groan loudly. "Firstly, that was a question. And secondly, you can. I just might not answer."

The men let you be for a while as you stare at the screens, thinking about anything and everything. You get brought out of them by one more of Gavin's question. "Are you going to keep your mask on all the time like Ryan?" It leaves you tense and irritated a you turn back to look at him with a glare. "What does it matter? We're not friends. I'm only here to help you take Edgar down because I want him  _dead_."

"Were you alone with Edgar a lot?" You shrug. "Not out of choice or necessity."

You stand up and walk to the door silently, your shoulders tense and rigid. You're soon accompanied by Gavin as you step onto the porch and lean against the railing. You expect anyone to follow Gav outside, but no one does. He stands behind you silently, his gaze boring into the back of your skull. "You were there. At the mansion and when Edgar had me." You nod and Gavin goes on.

"You know, my job is to notice things. And you- you know Ryan. Both times you saw me, you became bloody panicked and started looking for a way to get me out, without getting us both killed."

"What are you getting at?" You turn back to glare at the man as he steps forward and smiles. "I want to... I want to trust you, Wolf."

You freeze in shock and blink widely at Gavin before nodding frantically. "I'll make sure you can."

* * *

 

You work with Gavin and Dan, mostly dicking off when the former starts asking dumb questions- "Wot if your legs didn't know they were legs?" You had imitated, grotesquely, making both of them laugh louder -but retaining your seriousness when there were leads to be followed.

You mostly go off to get them some drinks and meals when they can't leave the garage because Gavin is in the zone and Dan won't leave his side. The others watch the three of you from the doorway when there's any loud squawking emitting from the blonde brit's mouth. The first time you heard him make bird-like noises you nearly lost it and had fallen out of your chair. Ray had come rushing in and had laughed as well at the sight.

You didn't sleep much, mostly you stayed on watch at night, eyes focused ahead as you sometimes trembled with unspoken fear. Because you knew, you knew Edgar always had something up his sleeve. You were almost certain he'd find you by now.

As it turned out, Gavin pointed out to you how you acted around Ryan. Said something along the lines of you wanting to be as close as possible but keeping the greatest distance so to not fuck up. You explained bits and pieces of what happened with Edgar, showed Gavin a few of your scars. He helped you with your stitches, him and Dan both. They never asked for you to take the mask off. 

* * *

 

You walk around without a shirt out of habit, your mask on top of your head instead of over your face. Ray stares at you one day as you stand in the kitchen, and you know he's there, but you don't make a move to turn to him as you sip your cup of coffee, too early in the morning for anyone to be awake. After a bit, Ray speaks. "What happened?" It's about your scars, you know, but you can't bring yourself to turn to him. You glance over your shoulder at him before looking at your cup and setting it down. "What does it matter?" "Everyone's curious, that's why I'm asking." His voice is strangely calm, you think as you put your mask back on.

"Edgar decided I'd make a great stress relief." You answer, shrugging softly. You hear his breath hitch and you turn to him, staring. "A few are from the job. But, y'know. Stitches thanks to Edgar, again." He looks to the table, then, as if it holds any kind of answer that he doesn't have. "You know he's dangerous, don't you?" He nods and you nod back, patting his shoulder as you walk past him. "Then this won't happen to any of you."

You miss the way Ray tenses and stares back at you. You walk to your things and put a shirt on before taking your coat and going outside. You slip it on and lean against the porch railing, staring in the distance.

"I take it you'd prefer being alone?" Ryan's voice startles you and makes you reach for your gun in your coat. You freeze as you stare at him and take your hand away from your gun. "No, it's alright. I'm just not used to being around so many people anymore." " _Anymore_?"

You chuckle, shaking your head. "Come, now, you don't actually think I've always been forced to work under Edgar, do you?" You look back at him, expecting him to roll his eyes with a hidden smile before turning away, but he's only staring at you, darkly so. Ryan steps closer to you and you flinch, taking a step back.

"What do you have to gain here?" His voice is low and threatening, making you shiver in slight terror. "Other than Edgar's death? Closure, I suppose."

You stare at each other for a bit longer until you finally falter and look down. Ryan's posture seems to relax as he keeps watching you. "What about you? I thought the mad mercenary never got attached to people." It's a jab and Ryan plays right into it by lashing out at you. "You keep that mouth shut, or I'll shut it for you."

He promptly turns back to the house and slams the door behind him. You slump against the railing and rip your mask off to rub at your eyes. This is going to be a long, long job.


	9. Chapter 9

The weapons trade idea was thrown off when Gavin came rushing in telling everyone he had found Edgar. You freeze in your tracks of preparing yourself coffee, turning to him with wide eyes. "Where."

* * *

 

After all the planning, you barely pay attention to anything as you go outside and sit on the roof, staring ahead. You tune out Gavin and Ryan, closing your eyes tight as you take the mask off. You had expected things to go over a little more smoothly, maybe being able to hint a few things at Ry, trying to make him see who you were.

You wait until the men are inside for you to let out a soft sob, rubbing your eyes frantically. You don't register the footsteps on the roof until someone sits next to you and you jump, startled. You turn only to end up face to face with Ray.

"Who are you really?"

You blink a few times, a few tears slipping from your eyes as you turn away. "I... Y'know, Michael asked me that when I met him. And between then and now, I still don't know."

You see him nod out of the corner of your ey and turn away. "But what  _do_ you know?" Ryan had warned you, when he had been teaching you so long ago, that spilling one secret would make people push for more. But now, more than ever, you needed to tell someone you thought wouldn't tell your old friend.

"That I'm supposed to be dead. I was supposed to have been killed by Edgar when the others came for me. It was to hurt Ryan, my boys. Mother." Ray turns to you at that, blinking in confusion before realization dawns on him.

"You... You're an old teammate of his..." You laugh, bitterly, wiping your tears away. "Yeah. He thinks I'm dead, doesn't he?" Ray nods guiltily and you shrug in answer. "I thought he was dead, too, for the longest time. Edgar's fault. Please don't tell him. I'd hate for him to pull away from you guys just because I'm the only one left."

There's a long pause as Ray stares at his hands, deep in thought. "What are you going to do after all this? Tell him?" "God no. I'm going to get a job with Joel, probably become a mercenary. I won't make a big name for myself, not like Ryan. I don't want him finding me."

Ray stares at you and you stare back, waiting for more questions. "He's going to tell us about you one day." You nod softly, looking at him again with a bittersweet smile. "Call me when he does?"

He agrees and smiles slightly. "I take it that's why you're helping us? Because Ryan is here?"

"If I had been able to get out the second I saw him, I would've told him who I am. But... When I got here and saw him, being happy with you... I couldn't do anything. I didn't want him pulling away from all of you." "I take it you don't like us?"

You laugh, loud and hysterical, before shaking your head. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to him. I'm grateful."

The night goes on by calmly after that, Ray leaves a few minutes later and you fall asleep. You're woken up by the sudden, dark coldness of the early 5am morning. You go back inside after slipping your mask on and stare at the men packing everything and heading in the vehicules. Nobody trusts you enough to leave you with Gavin, so you go with Ray and the others.

"Ray. Let's be Team Trigger Happy." He smiles at the name and nods, bumping his fist to yours. Michael glares from afar and you turn to him. "What's up?" He doesn't answer and simply walks to the car. Arriving at the slaughterhouse, you can feel your blood run cold in your veins. It's all too familiar, all too much like something you'd prefer not seeing.

You concentrate on the job at hand, however, and make your way to the front entrance, waiting for Michael's signal. Once it comes, you start firing, mostly ducking for cover seeing as gunfights are not your forte. You're able to bring at least two men down before you head in.

You manage to keep a level head as you hear the others talk and you barely say anything other than a few _'roger that's_ and _'yes sir's_ when the others address you. Getting rid of the remaining men is easy, you realize suddenly, _too easy_. You follow the men into the corrals, on edge as you hold your knife close.

You hear the barks and growls before the men react and head into action, guilt burning at your guts as you stab one of the mutts through the muzzle when it pins you down. You somehow manage to get your knife back and stab it in the eye, straight through the bone, as it bites your arm. "Fucking Christ. I hope they don't fucking have rabies or some shit," you grumble, tearing a piece of your undershirt off to wrap it around your bleeding arm. Ray helps you tie it tight enough to make the bleeding stop and you thank him with a nod.

You didn't expect Ray to get shot, but seeing as you were in the back of the group, you caught him as he fell, wrapped your arms tightly around his chest as he shrieked out in pain. You tuned the others out as you watched Geoff take the grenade launcher and shoot it at the merc who shot Ray.

When he answers his earpiece, you hear and see the relief in everyone, feel it in yourself as well. You let Geoff tend to him as he orders you off with Jack and Ryan.

You don't need to be told twice as you head to the elevator, tapping your foot while you wait for it to go up. You press yourself to the same wall as Ryan, blessing Edgar for the modifications he gave your mask. You breathe perfectly fine as you follow Ryan and Jack out.

Or, at least, try to. Edgar's men grab you and Jack only to shove you into Edgar's arms. He rips your mask off and slaps you hard. "So that's where you were."

You let out a slight whine as you fall to your knees, holding your bruising cheek softly. You can't look up at the man but at the sound of the explosion, he drags you upright and shoves the mask back at you. "Put it on. Now."

You do as told and stand as far from Edgar and Jack as possible, your weapons being handed over to the two merc. You take a deep breath when Ryan enters, all intimidation and anger in his stance. You can't look at him as you feel yourself slip to a sitting position. You glare up at Edgar and barely listen before taking your earpiece out, crushing it under your foot.

What happens next is fast and hectic. Edgar's jab about the lads makes Ryan shoot at the mercs and makes you slip up slightly as you think about Ray and Gavin, even Michael, dead. You can't move, though, not when you're unarmed and already injured. Just as you're about to make a move for Edgar- because Ryan can't shoot, he can't shoot with Jack being held that way -Ryan Tarzan swings on a chain to your side and sends all of you down.

You let out a soft groan as you feel your mask fill with water and you hear Jack scream but your head is spinning too bad for you to move towards the sound. You barely spot Edgar run off and Ryan barely faltering to look at you. He runs off as soon as you wave him off.

You take the mask off and look down at Jack. "You alright, Pattillo?" He nods at you and you look around for stairs, still thanking whatever loves you for the ladder near enough for you to get to it without tripping over your own feet. You reach Jack, your head spinning stupidly dramatically. "I think I'm concussed."

Jack glances at you worriedly before you find Geoff and the others. "Oh. That's what that other explosion was." You mumble to yourself as you watch the men hug each other. You walk to Ray and nod at him. "Alright?" "Alright."

You stay with him, Gavin and Dan while the others head off to Edgar. You empty out your mask and Gavin stares at you. "You... you were the guy on the bloody camera from the weapons trade." You shrug softly. "Sure, whatever floats your boat, man." When you hear that Edgar's dead, you perk up and put your mask on before running off to where the men said he was.

You stare down at the man, stupidly ordinary looking, and freeze slightly. He looks... Almost too normal to be Edgar. But you don't complain about his death. You turn to look at the men all talking and hurry to them, nodding at Geoff. "This is where we split ways. If you need me, Joel will be able to contact me for you."

The man stares at you for a second and you wonder, bitterly, if they'll ever try to hire you. "Thank you. For the help you could give." You shrug, smiling underneath the mask. "Least I could do."

You turn to Ray and bump your fist to his. "We'll talk some other time, yeah?" "Damn straight we will.

* * *

 

Joel lets you sleep at his when you're properly taken care of. He takes care of your stitches and tries to find your name but you don't exactly help. You're able to make sure he never calls you by it as you make yourself known enough as an assassin. You're the messy kind of assassin, the one people use to leave a message, and Joel finds you jobs almost weekly.

You message Ray a few times, even meet up with him every now and then when he's free. A month after Edgar's death, he brings you to a mask shop and smirks. "You'll need a new mask with that new identity. That and a new haircut." You smile back, having opted with burning the plastic thing the second you could. He shows off a few masks that you both laugh at before he has to leave and you wave at him before heading back in.

You pick a random, white skull mask with a slight smile before paying and heading off. You show it off to Joel who laughs and presents you Adam, a close friend of his. You're not sure what the hell else they are, and you don't pry, but Adam talks to you about a few odd jobs he thinks you'd have a natural talent in.

You meet up with Ray after five months, a few hours after a rather hard job, and he drags you back to the Fake AH Crew HQ. You grumble as you walk inside, reaching under your mask to rub at your face. You take it off without thinking as Ray shows you around, a wide smile on his face before finally dragging you in the lounge. You sit there is soft silence until he takes out a knife and hands it to you. "He gave me this."

You take your old knife and smile bittersweetly, looking it over. "He had it fixed... I'm glad you have it, of all people." "It was yours?" You chuckle softly, handing it back. "Yeah. Edgar broke it when he captured me. Scared the living shit outta me, too." Ray nods, looks the knife over before looking at you. "When are you telling him?"

You stare back at him, calmly. "I told you I'm not telling him." You hear the desperate sigh from the other side of the room and you turn to look at Michael. "Well, Ray told me. So you better fucking tell Ryan before I do." "He won't believe you."

You talk about it (well, no, you talk, Michael screams and Ray stays quiet) for another hour before you see Geoff and Jack step in, soon followed by Gavin. "Let me guess. You told  _them_ , too?" You ask, turning to Ray with a cold glare.

"He did." Geoff states simply, showing you his pinky. "He also gave us things from your old team." You smile softly at Jasper's rings, Drew's sunglasses and Mother's gold chain before shaking your head. "You would've gotten along with us, that's for sure." The others blink before Michael pipes up. "That's what Ryan said."

You sigh and stand up. "I'll need a haircut before I do this," you grumble, crossing your eyes. As if on cue, a woman steps inside with scissors and a devilish grin. "Oh, I'm ready." You gulp audibly before Gavin takes out a picture- you expect it to be of you and your boys -and shows it to her. She makes you sit down as she cuts your hair silently.

It feels good to get rid of the excess amount that Edgar loved. You'd just been too busy to do it yourself, that's all. She hands over a mirror and you blink at the familiarity of the reflection, tilting your head slightly. "Oh."

She even shaves your beard, though you complain greatly about that, and then hands you an old hoodie that looks far too much like one you used to own. "How long have you guys been planning this for?" "A week or so."

You grumble as you put the hoodie over your shirt. "How do I look?" "Older." You jump at Ryan's voice, standing frozen as he moves from the doorway straight to you. "Oh. You knew." "I put the pieces together after I had the time to do it." You nod, looking away.

You hear him say your name and something clicks as you turn to Ryan, alert and listening, your eyes suddenly brighter. "Yeah?" There's a moment of silence before Ryan hesitantly wraps his arms around you tightly, holding you to him so hard he almost crushes you. You don't mind though, you simply hug him back, tight and happy, all warmth.

"I missed you, Ry." "Don't you ever fucking do that again."

You laugh before pushing at Ryan, a wide, hysterical smirk on your lips. "Hey! You think it was my idea to be his lap dog?" Ryan ruffles your hair before he grips your shoulders tightly. "You... You're not fake, are you?" You hear the shake in Ryan's voice and you pull him down, placing his head on your shoulder as you hug him tight.

"A moment, please, gents, lads and pretty lady? I need to talk with Ryan."

They all leave the room and you make Ryan sit down, leaning against him. You explain the whole story, why you didn't break, no matter what Edgar threw in your face. "I knew you weren't dead. You couldn't be." Why you broke down, why you listened and why you forgot so much. "But then- oh god, then I saw  _you_. On a fucking security camera! Same jacket, same mask... It  _had_ to be you, right?"

He listens to everything you say, holds you when you cry. He tries to bring you home with the others later that day, but your refuse, heading back to Joel's. "I'm gonna take the whole week of except if it's a job for Ramsey, alright?" "What's up?"

"Ryan knows." You say it with a smile and Joel smiles back, lets you sleep on the bed for the night, doesn't even wake you when he goes to bed and actually sleeps on the sofa so to not disturb you.

For a while, you wonder if Ryan will even try to talk with you again.

The next two days are slow as you lay around Joel's office, staring at the ceiling. It's only when Kara steps in and says that Haywood is at the door do you move.

You head out hurriedly, messing your hair up to try and make it look less like bedhead and something more presentable. He stands there, looming at the doorway and you smile, following him outside with your hoodie on. "Where to, Ry?" He doesn't answer as he hands you a helmet and drives all the way to a hill full of tall grass.

You remember the times you'd sleep in similar places with your boys, just hiding from Ryan in the grass, curled up under the sun contently. "You get a great view from up there, y'know." You grin and run off, even when Ryan calls out your name. You do a few front flips in the grass as you laugh hysterically. Ryan somehow makes it up to the top before you. And you realize, for the first time, that the man doesn't have his mask on. "Hey, where's your mask, Ryan?"

He looks at you from where his eyes were stuck on the horizon and smiles. "I don't need it around you." You flush, smiling cutely as you stand next to him. "Happy?" You turn to him, smiling still, before watching him looking thoughtfully in the distance. "I asked Geoff for some down time." You blink at him. "Don't pull away from them just because I'm alive, Ryan."

He turns to you and smiles. "That's not happening. But I want you to work with us." You shrug and lose your smile as you look ahead. "I don't know. I've gotten used to the whole alone thing. I like Joel's office. I still haven't grieved the others all that well. I..." He makes you sit down with him before you continue and you take a deep breath.

"Before I got got, Drew, Jasper and I had been talking. We were gonna ask you to join us, y'know? We were going to go to you just as the place blew up. I... They never got to tell you before they died. And I never got to tell you before now. But I don't know anymore. I don't know if I still have it in me to love people. Don't get me wrong, Ry. I love you. I do. But I don't... I don't know if it's the same as it used to be. I don't know if I'll ever love anyone as much as I loved my boys."

You see Ryan nod softly. "Just... Please try working for Geoff. At least for one job?" "I owe you that much, old friend." You smile and bump your fist against the man's shoulder.

"I owe Drew 50 bucks once I'm dead, too." You laugh, passing a hand through your hair. Ryan splutters in confusion and looks at you with a raised brow and confused smile. "What? Why?" "I bet him that you wore the mask to conceal scars or some shit, he bet you had a perfect face. He won." You shrug, laughing.

* * *

 

He drags you back to Geoff's once you're done dicking around, laughing and wheezing as you gasp for breath. "Oh, hey guys." You hear Ray and smile over at him, nodding softly. "Hey."

You go to Geoff and Jack with Ryan, distracted by Drew's sunglasses on Gavin's head as they talk. You hear your name a few times before you turn back to Ryan, dazed. "Mm?" "See! I told you he wasn't listening!" Geoff's voice cracks here and there and you turn to him, smiling softly. "Sorry not sorry?"

He groans and shakes his head. "I'm willing to give you a job, but seeing as you're a specialized assassin, I'm not sure what I could use you for." You shrug, digging your hands in your jeans pocket. "Put me against some cops during a heist, front and center, I'll stab them all in the throat or something. I'm not too big on guns. I'm big on stealth and putting on a show, though.

They agree to that with a nod but before they can give you any details, your phone rings. You dig it out and answer with a hum and a smile. "Hey, Joel. Mm? Yeah, probably. I'll be back in an hour or so. Maybe later. Don't wait up. Yeah, yeah, I have my keys. Jeez, you're like a mother hen." You chuckle at the man's protest before humming in agreement to something or another. "Yeah-huh, I gotta go now, Joel. Mhm. Sleep tight. Night." You hang up and turn back to Geoff's confused face. "What?"

"Are you two...?" He trails off and waves his hand in the air, making you laugh hysterically. "Jesus Christ, no! I'm a fucking stray, Ramsey. Joel just decided he was keeping me with him until I get sick of sharing space or something." You shrug, smiling slightly. "So, what's my job?"

After being briefed about your job- something small and not really what you do, but you accept it for Ry -Ryan drives you back to his place. "C'mon, we can play games or something." You stay in the car, staring at your lap. "Ry. I... Look, I really want to, but I think I need some time. Please?"

Ryan seems crushed, not that you blame him. He says your name, soft and sweet, full of care and affection, making you lean away from the hand coming to you. He flinches back with a frown and you probably look as guilty as you feel. "I haven't seen you for almost four years." "That's why I'd rather take it slow, Ry. We've both changed. You for the best, me for the worst." You turn to him, pleadingly.

He drops you off at Joel's office in silence. "Goodnight, Ryan." You leave without saying another word and watch the car drive off before you walk back to Joel's apartment. You sit on the couch all night, thinking.


	10. Chapter 10

It's hot, summer that is, and it's not so much as you dislike it as it is you dislike sweating under your covering layers. Heat was always a problem when you had jobs, and this one was the worst job yet. Burying a body after a hit, simply because you couldn't let it be found, in a non-descript area, surrounded by tall, golden-like grass.

You watch Ryan dig up a hole, barely helping as you and your boyfriends drink lukewarm beers to the side. His jacket is forgotten in the pickup truck you all drove here and his white shirt is sticking to his frame.

"Are you three ever going to get off your lazy asses?" You can hear the irritation in his voice, making you smirk with amusement. "Nah." Drew's the one to answer, his sunglasses heavy on his face, covering his eyes from the harsh sunlight. You chuckle, shaking your head softly before sipping your beer.

Ryan turns to all three of you, then, making you jump up in slight fear but also stupid excitement. It's like annoying Ryan is a game to all three of you. He barely raises the shovel to throw it down before you're all off running and screaming, laughing at the top of your lungs at Ryan's annoyed screams. He calls out your names but you all run off to the nearest tree, giggling like teenagers.

It takes a while before you all pile out of the branches, landing on the ground with a loud thud. You're underneath your two boyfriends, groaning at the now increasing pain in your ribs. You hear Mother laughing, not too far away, and you scramble free of your boys before running to her.

She doesn't notice you as she keeps talking to Ryan. "They're young, let them have their fun." "It shouldn't excuse them from working." Ryan sounds angry, still, but also slightly guilty, like he doesn't want the three of you in this line of work.

You step up with a grin, jumping on Ryan's back with a loud laugh. "Ry! C'mon, you're it!"

* * *

You wake up, for a start, under a soft, fluffy blanket on Joel's couch, an empty house and a note on the coffee table. You pry yourself out of the warm cocoon your friend made you and reach out for the piece of paper.

_Going to be home late, don't wait up. Stay out of trouble._

_And by that I mean the news._

_\- Joel._

You chuckle and place it back down before getting off the couch and hurrying to the guest room, fishing for clothes through the drawers and closet. You find a suitable outfit, fit for a day assassination, and get to the file Geoff handed you just yesterday.

You flip through it, groaning at your target. Just some ammunitions guy that ratted out a job they were about to do.

You wait until the mid-afternoon to actually head out, only to be stopped by a text from Ray.

_let's go for a drive_

You grumble but oblige as you respond with a simple 'k' simply to bother the man.

You get to your car and start it up before resting your forehead on the steering wheel for a bit. You start the car and head for Ray, picking him up even though he's with Michael and Gavin. They blink at you and you bring yourself to smile before waving them off and driving.

Ray makes you stop after a while, you're thankful for it, your hands were starting to shake uncontrollably.

Ray is calm and quiet, something you remind yourself to thank him for later. It isn't often anymore that you get to be around someone so calm. He's holding the knife Ryan had given you so long ago and simply observing it with great interest.

You stare at him before turning away. "You know," you start, barely above a whisper. "My boys were going to marry me. Like, not for real. But we were going to tell the rest of the team that we wanted to throw a little fake marriage thing for all three of us. Before Edgar."

He turns to you, slow and heavy, and you can see the understanding sadness in his eyes. "We never did get to buy each other rings after Drew bought the first two," you ramble on, still not looking at the Puerto Rican next to you.

"I mean, I knew which ones to buy for them. We had all agreed on silver, but each ring would be dofferent and we'd all have two. I knew which ones I wanted. I would've bought them, right there and then.""But Edgar happened..." Ray trails off and looks back at the knife now, sadness emitting from him.

"Yeah." It's a simple answer, barely audible within the city noises.

* * *

 

It's your day off, Jasper is driving and Drew is in the passenger seat while you laze in the back seat, staring out the window with a smile. You haven't really had a day off since Ryan joined you, but having one now is the greatest.

Drew is edgy, nervous jittering in the passenger seat as Jasper drove your old, beat up pickup truck. You're happily dozing off gently as Jasper hummed a nameless tune. There's no softness in the way Drew makes Jasper stop at a random jewelry shop and gets out with a gun in hand.

There's a silenced shot and Jasper turns to you when you let out a slight whine. Seems like your free day is over. Drew gets out fast and gets in the car with two small boxes in hand. Jasper drives off, faster now.

"What was so important you had to ruin our free day for?" You grumble as you lean against Drew's seat, your arms draping over his shoulders.

"Both of you." His answer is fast and slightly annoyed. You blink at the box he places in your hand and move back in your seat. You gasp when you open it, staring at the silver ring with rubies incrusted in it. "Jesus Christ, Drew."

Drew shrugs a bit and hands another box to Jasper once you finally come to a stop, hiding from the cops.

Jasper opens it and smiles brightly, a ring just like yours, only wavy, in the small velvet box. "What's this for, darling?" He asks your boyfriend and the latter, flustered beyond anything you've ever seen, shrugs and frowns.

"Just... Look, I know we agreed that we'd talk to Ryan, about him joining us, but... If he doesn't want to, I want us to get married." You blink owlishly at the man who crosses his arms, your face a deep crimson.

Jasper's already putting the ring on as he starts talking logic. "Well, firstly, it's not legal in this state, and secondly, I doubt a three-way marriage is as well." Just as Drew opens his mouth to retaliate, you let out a squeak and put the ring on your ring finger.

"I want a ring from Jasper, too. And I'm getting both of you rings."

* * *

 

You drive back to the others afterwards, Ray making himself at home because he  _is_ and jealousy hits you hard in the gut. You decide to let him and Ryan be as they talk, even though you feel their eyes on you as you leave the room.

Gavin isn't annoying, per say, he's just not the king of person you're used to anymore. Too much energy and squawking, too many jokes that you can't bring yourself to laugh at. Too much Drew.

You realize the differences and likenesses too fast, you notice the way Gavin squirms away from conflict whereas your boy would have stood up and fought. You notice the way Gavin sulks when displeased instead of hating on everyone and getting mad.

But, you also notice that Michael does those things. Where he lacks the rest of Drew's shitty doucheness, he makes up in anger and fight. You also realize that you're a horrible, horrible person for comparing them.

You keep shying away from them when they try to add you in, guilt a heavy stone in your gut, right next to that white hot jealousy.

You promise you'll come back after finishing the job and they let you go, thankfully. The house feels too crowded with all of them loving on each other.

It takes a few hours to kill the man, having to track him down since the shop was closed today. And then a few more hours to try and patch yourself up on your own. You go back to the Fake AH Crew with a lowered head.

Soft is the first word that comes to mind when you see Jack. He patches you up- despite your many attempts to pull away -soft and sweet, like he's scared of breaking you. He doesn't ask many questions, barely any, really. He reminds you of Mother, but you don't complain.

He stitches up the few gun wounds you've gained and traces old scars that you can't bring yourself to snap at him for. He stops, anyways, and you stay relaxed, even with the numbing pain.

Geoff is, surprisingly, the first one to notice that you keep thinking about your boyfriends that evening. He tries to talk to you about it but you ignore him as much as possible.

Every now and then Ryan makes him stop when he hears bits and pieces, but it never stops Geoff for long. He still tries to talk to you, only becomes softer when you tell him that they were the first ones you had ever trusted with your life.

"You don't know what it's like, having people trust you like you trust them, and being incapable of saving them. It's never happened to you." Geoff doesn't argue because you're right. Jack is always safe, he's saved Gavin, Michael, Ray, even Ryan, too.

But when it comes to you, he knows that you feel guilty and shameful for letting Drew and Jasper die. He doesn't push much more than that.

The rest of the evening goes by slowly, you call Joel and ask him to pick you up, too tired to drive in case of getting in an accident and really not in the mood to get in a car with one of the men.

They don't say a word about it. Geoff says he liked your little present you left for the media. He motions a picture of the gruesome sight you left and you can't help but smirk.

Jack tells you to be careful and not take jobs for a bit, you laugh it off and shake your head. "I won't, I won't." It's a promise you know you won't be able to keep, so do the others. But, it calms Jack down and he lets it be.

Gavin smiles at you and gives you a slight hug. "Stay safe, Wolf!" The nickname makes your heart warm up with pride and you smile, big and wide at the Brit. "Yeah, yeah. I will."

Ray simply smiles and slaps you on the shoulder, making you chuckle. When no one's listening, he whispers a soft "I wish you'd been able to get those rings."

You thank him with a smile. Michael shakes your hand and grins before pulling you in for a crushing hug. "You're a dick. Welcome to the crew, I guess." You laugh, shake your head and are about to leave when Ryan grabs your hand and drags you outside.

"Tomorrow we should hang out." His voice but leaves no place for you to try and sneak out of this. You grumble goodnaturedly and give him a slight smile. "Alright. But, until then, I'll be sleeping at Joel's." Ryan nods and lets you walk off two streets down, where you agreed to meet up with Joel.

* * *

 

The first thing you remember that morning in Edgar's face in your nightmares, your breath coming out too short and raspy and you feeling like you can't breathe.

Joel's already there, having shaken you awake. He makes you follow his breathing pattern until your heart calms down and you collapse, exhausted. "I can't stop seeing his face."

Joel holds you tight and places a soft kiss on your forehead. Adam is there, too, in a simple pair of pyjama pants. He lingers behind the couch while Joel calms you down and wraps you up in a fluffy blanket. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I'll put on some music so you can sleep better, okay?"

You nod and he leaves, grabbing Adam's hand and you finally understand what they are now.You let them be until Joel comes back, alone. "You and Adam? That new?" "Not really." Is Joel's soft answer and you nod before he puts his phone on the coffee table and starts a soft song.

He hands you sleeping pills that you down without water. The older man stays until you fall asleep.

The next morning is worse, you can barely look in the mirror without shaking and Adam has to take care of you since Joel is out at a meeting. He's nice, though, even if slightly intimidating with the beard and nose ring.

"You sure you'll be fine?" He asks as you're about to head out. You hesitate for a second before nodding. "I have to do this."

He doesn't push, but he does drive you all the way near the others' house. You thank him and wish him a good day before walking the rest of the way. Ryan answers the door immediately, smiling brightly at you. "Didn't think you'd come today."

You shrug in answer and he frowns, pulling you inside.  He doesn't ask how you are. He just holds you tightly, a hand lazily tangling itself in your hair while the other one grips you closer to him.

You cry uncontrollably as you grip at him for dear life. He takes you out for a drive all day, staying quiet simply to keep you calm. When you stop at a cliff, he climbs out and pulls you out.

He makes you sit on the hood of the car before going to the backseats and taking out some beers. "You need this, a lot."

"Fuck yeah I do." You take the bottle with a nod, almost downing all of it in one shot. Ryan sits with you and nurses his own beer, staring sadly at it.

"Do you want to go back? They all have graves, y'know. You too." He looks up at you as you throw your now empty beer bottle off the cliff.

"I do." It's a short answer but Ryan gets it, gets that you can't say much more than that and he reaches for another bottle, handing it to you gently.

"I'll tell the boys, then. You should warn Joel."


	11. Chapter 11

Joel frets over you when you tell him about leaving for about a week. "You shouldn't, not with those injuries."

You whine at the man, groaning slightly. "For the last time,  _dad_ , it's not a job." You hear his annoyed huff at the nickname and smirk, turning back to your bag. You finish packing it gently, leaning against the bed from time to time.

You reach for your phone and are about to text Ryan before you stop and stare at the small screen. You wonder, for a second, if the others are coming, but you let it go. So what if they are? It's not your choice.

Joel gives you a lift, though you choose to get out a bit further away than usual. He doesn't ask for much, but demands that you text him from time to time.

"When did you get so protective of me?" He huffs at you and your stupid smile before turning serious.

"When I decided that you weren't just another stray."

The answer warms your heart slightly and you can't help but smile brightly before walking off. You arrive at the house with a dulled down smile and knock. Michael answers with a slight scowl before letting you in.

"Bad night," you inquire, only flinching at his angry growl of a response. Ryan is in the living room, leaning against the wall with his leather jacket in hand.

"He's just annoyed that he doesn't get to come with."

Ryan doesn't say much else about the fact that the others aren't coming with you both, not that you mind too much. You talk to Ray a bit before he grabs your hand, something determined in his eyes.

"He's dead, y'know. Edgar, I mean. You guys are safe." You smile before pulling him in for a hug. "I promise we'll get each other back here safely, if not a bit bruised up."

Ray laughs and lets you go. You wave the others off before following Ryan to the car after he kisses his boyfriends. He takes his mask out of a bag and puts it on, flashing you a smile before he does so. You take out your own white skull mask and smirk before slipping it on.

His laugh is the best thing you've heard in years. "You fucking copycat." You shrug, smiling all the same under the mask.

"I needed something to remember you by, okay?" You see him nod out of the corner of your eye before starting the car and driving off. The first few hours are silent until you both finally remove the masks.

"Think they'll recognize me back there?" Ryan seems thoughtful before he shakes his head. "I don't know, you look a lot like you did before only..." "Older."

You finish for him, looking out your window before rolling it down. The car comes to a slow stop and you wait for a bit, expecting Ryan to say something, but he never does. All he does is put his leather jacket over you and start driving again.

"I know you love it, shut up." You blush, turning to the older man, flustered beyond relief. He simply smiles and keeps driving.

You stop at a random motel once night settles in, taking a one bedroom to save money. Ryan's about to complain when you take out a chair and bring it to the door, sitting down on it with a gun in your lap.

"Go to sleep, Ry. I've got this." He tries to get you to go to bed instead, the end result being both of you staring at the door together for a few minutes.

"Ryan! You're the one driving! Go to sleep!" "You're the one who always sleeps, you'll pass out at your post!"

"I doubt I'll sleep with my nightmares!"

Ryan falls silent and stares at you, your anger calming at his shocked expression. "Did the others seriously not tell you?" You seem to shrink in on yourself as you ask him, fear tugging at your heart.

He says your name and pulls you to him, hurrying up in taking your shirt off. You let him, not as shy about your scars as Gavin is, apparently. You can see the anger itching underneath his skin and you shrink a bit before he pulls you in for a hug and towards the bed. "If I had known..." He trails off. _I would have tortured him to death._

You hug him loosely before slipping out of his grasp and putting your shirt back on. "It's fine, Ryan. I don't care about the  _physical_ _scars_. The mental ones he left are the real danger."

You put a hand to your head, grimacing as you walk back to the chair. "Go to sleep, I'll be here in the morning." He knows your promise isn't empty when you turn to smile, wide and soft, at him.

* * *

 

The drive there is uneventful, you mostly doze off in the car for a few hours before keeping watch all night at motels. Some nights you just keep driving.

Once you arrive to town, Ryan slips his mask on while you hurriedly steal rings from a jewelry store, much like Drew did. Ryan inquires why but you don't tell.

You follow him to the golden plain where you had gotten rid of evidence so long ago. "Heh. You made graves here?" You smile brightly, making your way to the biggest tree that you and your boys would scale.

"I didn't have much time, really. Cops everywhere and the likes. But I made a stone tower as a burial stone..." You smile and dig a small hole at the base of the tower. "What happened to their bodies?"

"Too burned out to be saved. I thought the same happened to you." You nod, staring at the silver rings with sapphire, a wider smile spreading on your lips.

You turn to Ryan to see him nod and walk away, giving you some space.

You take a deep breath and stare at the rings.

"You know, I thought that... Maybe one day, when we're done being wild and stupid and young, we could have run away, all three of us with a huge pile of money. Just to make a comfortable life for ourselves, maybe head to Canada. Y'know, gay marriage there was legal when we wanted to get married. Still is, but that's beside the point."

You feel tears threatening to spill from your eyes as you place the rings in the hole.

"I love you. God, I love you both so much it hurts. But, I need to move on. From you, from Mother. Ryan finally saved me, y'know? I- I'm free." You take a deep breath, bury the rings back and stand up. "I will  _always_ remember you."

You hurry back to Ryan's side, rubbing at your face tiredly. "Can we stay for a few more days? Please?"

He caves and takes you back to a motel, settling on the bed with you as you sob softly. He doesn't complain, nor does he get annoyed with you. If anything, he's just glad to have you curled up against him, finally acknowledging that, yes, you can trust him. And, yes, the others are also trustable.

You sleep slightly better that night, at least. The images of Drew and Jasper dying have left your nightmares and though Edgar still haunts them, Ray's words echo out and calm your fears when you wake up.

Ryan takes you out for lunch the next day, stopping at a nice mom an' pops restaurant for a takeout order. You like the homey smell of the place, but you're glad you get to eat in the car, something about it seeming more natural.

You relax in your seat as Ryan drives aimlessly through the town, stopping the car here and there to pick things up for his boys.

You giggle at a shot glass and show it to the man, grinning. "We need to get this for Geoff." Ryan's about to ask why when he spots the curly mustache on the glass and laughs with you, nodding frantically.

You pick up little knick knacks for everyone else, a flower scented beard shampoo for Jack- mainly because you couldn't help yourself -a silly beard hat for Michael and his baby smooth face, 'YOLO' glasses for Ray and a stupid looking button up for Gavin.

You had secretly picked up a gorilla mask for Ryan, simply for him to scare the others with.

He surprised you with a Ryan-sized, black leather jacket once you got in the car. You laughed, shaking your head as tears rolled down your eyes. You couldn't stop laughing.

"At least that way you'll stop stealing mine!" "But yours is so much better, Ry!"

* * *

Getting back to the Fake AH Crew was more unsettling than you thought it would be. Sure, you stopped trying to pinpoint the men's likenesses and differences with your old team, but you also finally saw them for who, and what, they were.

They were Ryan's hot teammates and boyfriends, and with the few days off you had had, you knew you still loved Ryan.

You made your way to Ray first, awkwardly standing there with a slight smile. "I got to get them rings." He smiles at that and pulls you in for a surprisingly crushing hug that you gladly accept.

Geoff and Michael whine at their gifts, even though Michael wears it immediately after cursing Ryan through hell for it. He comes to you and glares slightly.

"Did you pick it out?" Ray's still got an arm around you and your head tucked against his shoulder when he asks, but he doesn't seem phased by it.

"Deffo." You smirk and stifle a laugh at Michael's slightly annoyed huff. "Well, I like it."

You smile contently and nod. "I'll be sure to get you something similar next time I'm out, then." You promise, relaxing against Ray. You take the glasses out of your pocket and hand them to him.

"Speaking of getting you something, Ray. I got your these." Michael's the first one to laugh when he sees the fluorescent glasses, clutching his sides tightly. Ray doesn't make a noise before he takes off his normal glasses and puts the 'YOLO' pair on.

"420!!" He whoops a few times, his arms in the air with a grin plastered to his face.

Jack rolls his eyes at the gift but appreciates it anyways. "I also got you tons of tea." You say suddenly, moving to take out a few boxes of tea out. "I didn't know which one you prefered so I just got... A lot."

"Aw, that's sweet of you!" He seems much happier with this gift and you can't help the pleased smile that is quickly followed by a slight blush on your cheeks.

Gavin squawks at the gift before he, naturally, squees. "Aww!! My bois! You're the best!" He kisses Ryan on the lips before coming to you and plastering kisses on your cheeks frantically.

You squeal, laughing as you try to pull away.

"Gavin! Gaviiiin! Stooooop!" You laugh out, barely using any strength as you attempt to push him off. You both come crashing to the floor, laughing like idiots as Gav hugs you tight.

For a second, you feel at home, and nothing seems to break your small bubble of blissfulness. That is, until your phone buzzes.

You quickly snap back to your work persona as you sit up and answer. "Wolf here. Oh, hey Joel." You calm down, but still don't go back to the same level of relaxed that you were as you stand up and leave the others behind, awkwardness gripping at you suddenly.

"Yeah, I'll be there soon, don't worry." You hang up before walking back to the boys, flushing deep red. "So, it's not that I don't like you guys, but, uh, Joel needs me. So, I'll... Stop by some time?"

"Don't be a stranger, buddy." Geoff's voice is sweet, like he means it in a deeper meaning and you flush, understanding very much before you nod and hurry off awkwardly.

"I won't, I promise." You close the door behind you as you run back to Joel's, your heart beating faster than you can ever remember, a wide, goofy smile is plastered to your lips and everything looks far less grim all of a sudden.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry everyone!! Life can be a bitch, y'know? But I'm back, finally! Thank you everyone who's patiently waited for this. <3
> 
> You can also find me over at my [tumblr](http://wildkingjackal.tumblr.com)!

You don't visit them as often as you'd like, busy with your jobs as much as they are, if not less. You get a small apartment, isolated, at the edge of the city right near the beach. You like it, the small spaces help you at night when you panic. Because you still do, even after months of Edgar's death. Who could blame you, though? The scars are proof enough of the hurt you've experienced.

You spend time making your new home feel lived in, even though it looks more like a nest than anything. With only two rooms and a bathroom, you worry you might lack space with all your weapons (turns out a short trip to Ikea is all you need to make more space). You don't really bother telling any of the boys about your new place, even if they text you when they can. You hover between latching on to them for dear life and hiding from them more often than not. Fear claws at you in the middle of the night and sleeping on the ground or in the empty bath seems more comfortable than sleeping on a mattress at times.

Still, you pull through, fighting to live like you always do.

Taking care of yourself is harder than you expect, however, when you completely forget to eat for a whole day, only to start shaking and feeling lightheaded near dinner time. You rarely eat large amounts, often feeling sick when you do. Sleep is also a difficult task. Not only because of fear, but because of the crippling loneliness that comes with an empty bed.

It helps, thinking about the crew, every now and then. They learn about your jobs fairly quickly, trying to get a hold of you afterwards, always asking if you're alright, if you want to go to their safe house, where they are. You decline, most of the time. Tonight is different.

"No, Geoff, I don't need any help." Your voice is muffled by a scarf, you're up on a rooftop, sniper at the ready and Geoff in an earpiece. "This is a simple fucking job, seriously. The hell am I supposed to need help with?" Of course it's different. Geoff and his stupid ideas, his need to make sure you're fine.

They're all so worried about you all the time, it's incredible, and incredibly annoying at times. But you get it, they care.

Geoff's huff is enough to make you smile, aiming at your mark's head with ease. "Don't you need someone to drive you everywhere?" His voice cracks and you hold back a chuckle as you shake your head. "Geoff, just because I prefer not driving, doesn't mean I can't." You hear a commotion on the other line and then Geoff's voice turns into a chipper british accent.

Your name is called out and you can just hear the smile on Gavin's face. "You'll bring back snacks, right?" You fight the urge to roll your eyes as you shoot, surprising Gavin on the other line. "I'm not coming over, Gav. I told you that yesterday." "You did not!"

Your breath comes out as a huff as you hurriedly pick your things up and get down from your perch, carefully, quietly. It's become routine by now, that they stay in touch when you're on a job and they're not. You like it and they know. "Look, if I drop snacks off will you leave me alone for the night?" You know you're asking for too much, flicking the safety of the sniper on and then pulling the strap over your shoulder, placing the weapon comfortably on your back.

You pull out keys to a motorcycle and start it up quickly before shoving your helmet on. Gavin whines on the other line, obviously not giving in to your plea. You groan, loud enough to make him stop, leaving your crime scene in the dust. "What do you want at the store?"

That's how you find yourself at one of their safe houses, bags of snacks and other random items in hands (not to mention a bag full of money under the seat of your motorcycle). They pull you inside, even as you struggle. Jack is the first to greet you, hugging you tightly to his chest as the bags are taken from you. You hug him back, almost on instinct.

It's always nice coming back to them, you realise. And maybe you don't mind the fact that Ray pulls you in right afterwards, barely leaving you enough space to take your helmet and jacket off. Ryan greets you by pulling you to his side and keeping you there, tucked safely under his arm. If there's a smile on your face, you don't realise it and the others don't comment. Michael is next, the hug almost hurts when he lifts you up without breaking a sweat. You laugh out in surprise, clinging to his shoulders until he sets you down.

Gavin thanks you for the sweets by being Gavin and smooshing your face before hugging you tightly. It's almost too much at once, all the affection they give you. You're saved by Geoff who hands you a cup of herbal tea, gentle fingers tracing yours before quickly leaving, almost as if he was burned. You don't comment on it, sipping your tea- which is perfect, just how you like it. You wonder curiously when they started picking up on your habits only to remember that Ryan knew you long before now. You let the thought go.

They manage to sit you down on the couch, despite your groaning. "I have to go home, I have to take a shower and change, let me leave, guys, c'mon!" All of your complaints fall on deaf ears, which, you think, is better that way.

You drink your tea throughout most of the evening, listening quietly, tucked in between Michael and Geoff, safe. You observe the way they look at each other, all warmth and affection, love. You can't help the heat that coils in your heart, the slight longing you feel. You push it down, however, and keep observing.

* * *

 

You don't know when you fell asleep, but it's early morning by the time you're awake. You stare at the foreign ceiling in slight panic for a few seconds before managing to calm down. A safe house, the boys. You look to your left only to be greeted with Ray's head on your shoulder. To your right is Jack, Gavin sleeping on top of him.

Moving slightly only helps you realise that, not only is Ray's head on your shoulder, but he's somehow managed to wrap most of his limbs around you, seemingly effortlessly, in his sleep. You flush deep crimson, gently untangling the lad from you. You somehow manage to make it out of the giant bed, only to be greeted with Ryan's calm piercing blue eyes.

You freeze, so used to waiting for an order when being stared at that you forget, for a few seconds, that you're no longer 'pet' or 'dog'. Ryan's face is worried, he makes it out of the bed without any struggle and walks to you.

Walking back seems like the smartest move until Ryan reaches for you, making you stop. He calls your name, soft and slow, like one would call a terrified animal, and maybe that's what you are. You forget who you are often enough, though less lately.

Still, Ryan's voice beckons you to him and you go willingly, if stiffly. He takes your hand, so gently, softly, as if he's scared of breaking you. Your scarred knuckles are proof enough that you don't break easy. Still, he guides you to the living room, only to lay on the couch and pull you to him, letting you lay on top of him.

You're quiet for a long time. "You should join the crew."

You think he couldn't be any more right than he is in this moment. Everything keeps pulling you back here and whether it's Ryan or all of them, you don't know. You don't answer, the silence is enough to make your old friend understand. Clinging to each other helps, it helps with the fact that you're terrified, terrified of a crew, terrified of waking up, terrified of being alone. And he knows he can't fix you.

You wonder if anyone can.

Michael wakes you later, far later, by simply petting your hair. You stare at him sleepily, a small smile slipping on your lips. "Morning, asshole." Are his fond words to you before he tiptoes away. Ryan is still under you, though he's sitting now and, as you look up, reading. He notices you and smiles.

You forget, for a bit, about all the hurt as you sit up, rubbing your eyes with your hands one by one. Jack hands you a cup of coffee when he sees you and you thank him, smiling brightly. It could work, you realise suddenly. Staying here, it could work. Working on heists and sleeping in a giant bed with all six of them.

You pause your drinking and Gavin sits as close to you as possible. He doesn't disturb you, barely touches you as he tucks his arm over the couch, right behind you. You hum, leaning into it, much to Gavin's happiness. You can smell breakfast cooking and you know it's Geoff and Jack, they're the best at cooking after all.

Gavin finally drapes his arm over your shoulders, pulling you against his side, almost shyly, and you let it happen. You sip your coffee once more, staring into nothing as you think it over. It could work. It definitely could.

So, of course, you had to pull back, again, out of fear. Fear. It was always fear. It stopped you from staying, kept you from everything. But they seemed to understand, when you hurriedly finished your coffee, said your goodbyes and got dressed again. They understood and hugged you tight as your eyes lost their shine and you became emotionless.

They knew you were screaming inside, Ryan had been the first to notice, knowing you too well. He'd told them, of course he had. They all cared so much about you.

* * *

 

Another job, alone this time. No earpiece to listen to. Going undercover for Joel is something you don't really enjoy, but you do it anyways. He's grateful, in his own Joel way. Adam is, too. You smile and charm your way through the evening, making up some stupid story for your scars.

People believe you, trust you.

Another evening, another night filled with hushed lies and whispered rumors. You listen, you've always been good at that. You listen and plan accordingly. Someone's here to steal something, they say. They don't even think about you when they say it. You look shocked, scared. But why, you ask, your acting skills were always pretty good.

You never get an answer, but the next evening you're gone anyways, a gold brick in a bag, a grin on your face. You go back to Joel, drop off the gold. He's always so happy to see you safe, it's comforting. You don't stay long.

Of course, the next thing you do is call Ryan. He's always happy when you call him.

"Hey, I... I was wondering if, maybe, I could, I dunno, come over?" You must sound as awkward as you feel, because it takes Ryan a moment to answer. "You know you're always welcomed."

So you hurry, so fast, like your life depends on it, and maybe it does. You're not sure anymore, but you get to them in record time, falling into Ryan's arms and clinging to him. They say "welcome home, welcome home," and you feel at home.

You opt out of sleeping in the large bed, however. You're not part of their relationship ('not yet' says a part of your brain, you shove the thought away). They whine but let you sleep in the guest bedroom. You've never felt more comfortable since Edgar's death.

It could work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S.: special thanks to Mr. Puffin for their kind words that helped motivate me to write this. You are dearly appreciated. <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PANIC ATTACK IN THIS CHAPTER, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!  
> <3

They have you move in as soon and quickly as possible, joining the crew at the same time. Geoff sneers at your apartment when you lead them there, shaking his head. "You could've had a fucking penthouse!" You roll your eyes, looking at Jack as he smiles and helps you pack your little amount of personal items.

Of course, they're mostly surprised by your large amount of guns and knives, despite your lack of skills with the former. You shrug when they ask about it. "I felt like it." Gavin accepts your answer with a grin when you come back.

"You own the guest room," Geoff says as you drop your things in it. "Sounds good." You unpack your clothes, the few things you have, and stick knives a bit everywhere in the room, hidden. You never know who could follow the crew here, you still fear for them and yourself. 

They adapt well around you, surprisingly enough. They're still lovey and affectionate between each other, but you expected as such. What you didn't expect was Jack handing you coffee every morning, Geoff giving you your tea every night.

Ray following you to your jobs to make sure you had backup every time. Gavin in an earpiece to give you directions, no matter if you know where you're going.

Michael teaches you more about guns than you really need to know, and even more about explosives. He makes sure you have grenades with you at all times.

And Ryan makes sure you're safe, comfortable and happy. He watches you like a hawk, a protective mother hawk. You allow it for now, quite enjoying the attention.

Geoff's been making sure all of you have downtime since you moved in, which is nice, you get to sleep a lot more. So far, you've fallen asleep on Michael while he was playing video games with Ray. You've fallen asleep in Gavin's computer room while he was working away at codes you hardly understand.

You've fallen asleep with your head on Ray's lap while he played away at his DS, supposedly glaring at anyone who made too much noise. Even in Ryan's car as he goes to get groceries, you were asleep the whole time, barely stirring when he carried you back to the apartment. Jack lets you sleep curled up next to him when he watches television.

Geoff, you've fallen asleep on once when it was around 2 in the morning and he was drinking. You were already mostly asleep on the couch, but having a warm pillow seemed nice at the time. You woke up curled up in his lap as he glared at the lads who were snickering and taking pictures. You ignored them and went back to sleep.

They try and get you to stay awake more than once, everyone but Ryan, at least. Your old friend usually makes them stop by grumbling about them bothering you too much. You never answer when they ask why you sleep so much. Looking at Ryan tells them everything they need to know, though.

There's comfort in numbers.

* * *

 

Ryan tries getting into the files with Gavin's help and you watch with amusement as Mother's encrypted security system beats them at it and corrupts the files. You snort, amusement clear in your eyes, and Gavin turns to you.

"Honestly, Wolf, do you think you could do better? This bloody file is corrupted! There's bugger all left to use!" You roll your eyes at him before moving towards the computer and quickly stealing the keyboard away. You enter the word "family" as a password and Ryan stares at you with something sad in his eyes.

You say nothing and Gavin blinks as the true files are finally shown. "How did you-" He stops himself, your look reminding him that you lived with this crew. "How do you feel about us looking through this?" His correction made you smile before you shrugged. "You'll find out more about me through Ryan than through these files."

Your assurance didn't stop the crew from reading everything as you and Ryan sulked in your own corner, both loathing and loving the idea of the boys learning about you. It meant opening old wounds, mostly. So, you clung to each other as you waited, terrified and excited all at the same time.

They don't talk about it, not yet. You know there's a long time of newspaper clippings and pictures to go through, but one sticks out to them. Mother is standing behind you with her arms on your shoulders, Drew and Jasper on either side of you. You're all laughing.

"When was it taken?" Jack's voice is soft and the others stare at you as you lose yourself to the memory for a few seconds. "About a year or so before Ryan. When I was still kind of annoyed with the whole idea of a crew. Truth be told, I was annoyed by the idea for a long ass fucking time." You chuckle to yourself before handing the picture to Ryan.

You never see it again.

* * *

 

Ray loves snuggling with you wrapped up in blankets in between jobs. You've been on assignments for a week now and Geoff sends you out to direct weapon trades amongst other things. You like it, you've got a little team and they all listen like they should. But Ray's taken a slight obsession with keeping you to himself during lunch.

You don't mind, not really. You're not here much during the day, handling assholes with weapons is awful business, but you never come back injured. Still, the way Ray tucks you against himself, a protective arm over your shoulder as he watches television, his hand brushing against your hair whenever possible. It seems familiar, but you're not too sure where from. You ignore whatever feelings bloom in your chest and just relax.

Michael makes it a habit to hold your hand whenever he catches it. Whether it's in the house or outside doesn't matter, he holds your hand in his own warmer one and doesn't let go unless you tug away. Which you did once to pick something up, asking for him hand with your own right afterwards. He squeezes it whenever people look at you and notice the scars on your face, almost like he's protective and angry. You let him.

He holds your hand while you're curled up with Ray during lunch one day and you lean your head on his shoulder while staying glued to Ray's side. They seem happy about it.

Gavin has you sit with him on your free days and monitor cameras and security systems. You like it, it's usually easy work and Gavin entertains you with stupid questions and silly "what if"s. You sometimes take your time to think about it, but you usually you just answer with snark to make him laugh. He seems to enjoy making you laugh as well. He tells more and more jokes as the hours go by, making you laugh so hard you start crying.

The three of them steal your attention during lunch, shamelessly keeping you for themselves even as the gents are trying to get all four of your attention. You usually answer while the lads just try to shower you with affection.

You don't think anything of it, not for a long while. It's about two months later when Jack and Geoff are doing similar things in the evenings. You still don't think much of it, just smiling and leaning into them, loving the comfort that comes with being part of the crew.

Ryan seems to be the only one on unsteady grounds until you whine at him the next morning for not paying attention to you anymore. He seems to panic until you laugh and hug him. The Lads share you during lunch and the Gents during the evening. At night you keep your bed to yourself and they don't even once try to make you leave it.

It feels like something is building there until- well, until the Edgar scare. Gavin brings it up when talking about Felix. You've just come home when Ryan gathers you up in his arms somehow and hides in your room with you. There he tells you about it and you both hold each other, never crying once, but shaking the whole time.

You stick to each other like glue. The others can't separate you, not that they really try. Your coping mechanism is chaos and death and shaking in the other's arms when no one's watching. You panic, you panic so much it feels like you're about to explode. 

You don't let Ryan see it, not much, locking yourself up in the bathroom and staying in the shower for an hour helps. It makes breathing easier, it makes the phantom pain leave you, slowly. You clutch at yourself, the cold shower leaving you warm still. You hate it. It feels like blood from the scars and it doesn't help. Still, you get dressed and go out into the penthouse, eyes strangely cold and distant.

Ryan's the only one who makes sure you eat, the others seem scared, if not of you then definitely of Edgar. You never do eat.

Turns out Felix's Edgar is nothing but a dog. A pug at that. You laugh and stand with Ryan when being proved that Edgar really is dead.

* * *

You still don't sleep.

For a week you do nothing but work through the days and hide in your room or in the shower. Everyone understands and lets you be. You eat when you can, but you're mostly distracted and skip meals without thinking. You're gone in the morning when Jack prepares your coffee and you're hiding away at night when Geoff has your tea.

After a few more days you stay at the penthouse, sitting on the couch and staring at the closed television. "It's easier to watch when it's turned on," Michael jokes, sitting next to you. You mumble an answer and lean against him, relaxing slightly. He takes your hand and you lace your fingers together, latching onto Michael's warmth needily.

Ray's awake shortly after and walks in with his DS. Upon looking at you he sits next to you and tucks you against him comfortably. You snooze off for a bit, relaxing between the two lads.

When you wake up, Gavin's sitting on the floor with his back against your legs. You reach to pet his hair with your free hand, making him coo happily and lean back for more.

The three of you stay that way, undisturbed by the gents, until Ryan comes up behind you and hugs you over the couch. You smile and lean against him, much like Gavin was doing with you. Without really thinking, you move to place a kiss to Ryan's cheek, making him chuckle.

You relax silently after that, wrapped up in four of the six men you call home. Jack comes over to hand you a cup of coffee and kiss your forehead, making your cheeks tinge pink. You smile and thank him, sipping at it happily.

Geoff calls it vacation time when he has you pack up shorts and loose shirts, taking a flight further down south, to a beach. You call it a bother when you curl up in your plane seat, sticking to Jack the whole way. Michael gives you a piggy back ride as you both race after Gavin when you finally land.

"You're done for Gav!" Your laugh sounds bright and happy, making everyone smile. Michael runs faster and you finally end up catching the hacker, laughing all the while. You hug him close as he holds Michael's hand, all three of you laughing loudly.

You stick to Ray when you get at the penthouse. "What are you playing?" "Pokémon." You watch over his shoulder as he plays away on his DS, tilting it slightly so you can see better.

"Can I name one?" "Sure, what do you wanna name?" "I wanna name a geodude Turntsnaco." He laughs and catches one for you, naming it as you asked. You laugh and thank him, wrapping your arms around his waist.

You don't notice the way people are looking at all of you when you walk around the beach. You with your scarred arms and legs shown off, the others all laughing and kissing. You stare at the ocean with your sunglasses on top of your head, a small smile on your lips.

Your name being called is all it takes for you to beam and turn towards the crew, going to them happily. Geoff kisses your cheek and you don't notice the way the public seems even more confused. Hell, you don't even realise they mean something, you just crave the affection.

You end up in a restaurant for dinner, seated between Ryan and Ray. Ryan has an arm over your shoulders while Ray holds your hand under the table. You love it. You love them.

You stop suddenly. You love them. You get extremely flustered when you finally realise what they'd been doing this whole time, resting your head against the table with a strangled groan. They all worry over you, asking if you're fine. You can't help but smile as they say your name again and again before nodding."Yeah, don't worry. I just feel kinda dumb." They ask why and you just laugh, squeezing Ray's hand.

His face tells you everything you need to know.


	14. Chapter 14

You love them. It's plain to see from the outside, you think. You love all of them, from their stupid ideas to their serious banter. From the stupid stunts they pull to the serious injuries they sometimes sported. You flustered at the thought, on the couch tucked against Gavin.

He looked down at you when you curled up into him and hid your face against his chest. "Something wrong, love?" Even the nickname made you falter. You looked up with innocent eyes and a slight blush only to shake your head softly. "No."

There was a small moment where you were sure he'd kiss you. He smiled and wrapped his arm securely around your waist. "Well, I've got you if there is." You tucked your head under his chin and the pleased noise he made was all you needed to smile and relax. The vacation was longer than you expected, anyways. You had time to flirt and test the waters with them.

You don't mind taking it slow and easy, you don't mind if it takes a whole year. You just want to make sure you know what you're going to do once you all get together.

Turns out going to sleep in your separate room is more difficult now that you've realised you love them. You still manage it, however, and easily wake up the next morning to the sounds of Michael and Gavin screaming.

As you go to investigate, Ray stops you with a wide grin. "It's funnier if we just watch." You chuckle as you follow him and observe the two lads fighting over the remote to the tv, Gavin squawking and thrashing wildly as Michael tries to pin him, yelling insults with the widest grin you've ever seen on him.

You lean against Ray, laughing all the while, your arms crossed. "How long have they been at this?" "A few minutes." You laugh together and watch Michael finally wrangle the remote from Gavin's grasp. The brit whines at both of you for not helping him, Ray drags you to the kitchen when Gavin's about to stand. You look back only to see Michael pull him down and kiss him, hugging him to his side.

There you see Geoff and Jack, talking quietly with cute smiles on their faces. They turn when they hear Ray clear his throat. You hold Ray's hand with a warm smile as you wave at them. "Is there any coffee?" Your question makes Jack smile as he gets up and is about to make coffee for you. He stops as Ray lets out a short chuckle.

"Sorry Geoff, you're on your own. He's mine today." You laugh at Ray's sentence and Geoff's hurt look. "Well, you're gonna need a gent, right?" Is Geoff's cracky question. Jack comes up behind both of you and wraps his arms around you. "Sorry, spot's taken, Geoff."

You laugh loudly as you lean into the other two, before walking to the coffee pot, a chuckle still on you lips. You miss the meaningful look they give each other as you pour your coffee in a cup.

Once you've made your coffee, you turn to them, smiling widely. "So, how'd you guys sleep?" They smile, Ray shrugging as he sits down and produces his DS out of nowhere. Jack shakes his head and sits back down. "Well, Ryan's still sleeping so there's that." You perk up at the bearded man's words, your smile widening even more.

"Really?" You hear a door open as you ask this, turning to see Ryan walk into the kitchen and pecking his boyfriends on the lips. You're about to greet him when he pecks your cheek as he reaches for a cup. He fills it, wraps an arm around your shoulder and pulls you close. All the while, you're frozen in surprise and as red as a tomato.

Ryan doesn't seem to realise, or care, as he sips his coffee happily. You lean against him better to drink your own cooling cup. The hum he lets out sounds pleased and you only blush deeper.

* * *

The day goes well from then, Michael and Gavin hogging your attention at the beach with "swimmy bevs." You laugh but join them happily. Gavin keeps saying something about swimming further out when he starts drinking too much, that's when you and Michael drag the squawking brit out of the water, laughing at each other as you fall on the beach's sand, surprising Jack who had been sleeping peacefully.

In the evening, Ray takes you with him, holding your hand tightly as you walk through the town, smiling and laughing loudly. He tries to teach you how to parkour, only able to get you to a roof, laughing all the way as you lay on the warmness of it, curled towards the other. Ray keeps your hand in his all the while, his smile sweet and his laugh infectious.

When you come back home, sharing quiet jokes and holding hands, silent laughter and foreheads touching, the others don't say much about it. You all sit together in front of the television, playing games, drinking beers, laughing as chaos followed when Gavin cheated his way to first place.

You leaned against Geoff, giggling at Ryan running after Gavin in the hotel suit. He had an arm wrapped around your shoulders, firm and protective. You pressed your face to his chest, smiling brightly when he started petting your hair.

The next morning is filled with whining lads as you all walk to a restaurant for breakfast. You groan at the sunlight, your hangover stronger than you expected. You sit between Ryan and Jack, humming contently when Ryan takes your hand to massage it gently.

It's only a few days later that things get complicated when you answer your phone. "Hello?"

"Hey kid." You brighten at Joel's voice, smiling even though your friend couldn't see you. "Joel! Hey, what's up?" You answer excitedly, making the boys look at you. You wave their concern off as you walk further away. You like keeping things private.

"Hey Wolf, I was wondering if you were in town or about to get back? I kinda need your help on something." You freeze, thinking it over. You look back at the guys before turning your back to them. "Can you hire someone else?"

"That's the problem, no one's better suited for this than you. But, hey, if you're too busy, it's alright." You bite your bottom lip, thinking some more. You sigh softly. You owe this man your life, and a lot more for housing you for so long. You groan.

"No, no. I'll do it. Just... I'll be home by tomorrow maybe, okay?" "Perfect! Thanks, kid." You say your goodbyes and frown after hanging up. Turning back to the crew, you walk with slight determination. "Hey so, uh, Joel needs me." They whine at that, looking shocked and very saddened. Geoff's voice cracks as he almost yells "you can't go!"

You freeze at that, looking straight at him. "I'm not letting you." He stands and takes a step towards you, frowning deeper when you take a step back. " _Excuse_ me?" Your voice sounds more like a growl as your anger takes over. "You're not  _letting_  me as my boss, or as a friend?" You feel your skin heat up as rage claws it's way up your throat.

Geoff opens his mouth and raises his hands to talk but you cut him off before he can. "I've been ordered and shoved around for  _five years_!! You think you can do that to me?!" You huff, pure rage rolling off of you in waves. It masks your terror very well. Ryan is seething in his seat at your words, his eyes locked on Geoff. "That's not what I meant!"

"Shut up!" You scream, stalking to your room as you slam and lock the door.

You calm down quickly enough, backing up until you hit the wall opposite to the door. Your breath comes in harsh puffs through a tight throat. You feel tears in your eyes as your body shakes, it feels like you're drowning for a moment. When you finally calm down, you can hear Ryan's anger at Geoff and Geoff's apologies. You hurriedly pack your things, escaping by the window. Suddenly, you're glad Ray taught you how to parkour.

You're not there when they finally open your door. You're on a plane, leaving already, when they get to the airport.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for following this story so far and giving your input! The next chapter will be the end of this story, and then, I'll need your help again! The question I will ask shall be at the end of chapter 15.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading! <3


	15. Chapter 15

The plane ride is long and lonely and you don't notice the tears rolling down your cheeks anymore, too concentrated on staring at the back of the seat in front of you. Time passes far too slowly for your liking, but when you're back home, you hurry to get your things.

You have enough time to stop at the penthouse, pick up some clothes, and run back to Joel's office. You open the door with a scowl, Kaya flinching slightly at your tear stained face before trying to talk to you. You ignore her and walk straight to Joel's door, opening it and dropping your things on his couch.

"What's my job?" He stares at you, like he wants to say something, but seems to think better of it as he hands you a folder. You look it over and get in your work mindset. "When do you need this done?"

"As soon as possible. Listen, Wolf, you don't have to-" "I'll get it done in a week." You take your bag and carry it back outside, wasting no time to get to your closest car. It's still further than you like, but whoever the crew called to go looking for you hasn't been in this part of town yet.

You leave, hurriedly, to the next town over, where Jowl needs you. Once you get there, you get a small motel room to shower quickly. You try not to think about Geoff's order and the consequences of your actions, but you get so worked up over them that you punch the shower wall to your right, sobbing helplessly into your left hand.

Once you get out, you look over to your slightly bruised knuckles and hum. Looking at your reflection is far more annoying than you first thought it would be. You look like shit, which is understandable, you haven't slept yet.

You sigh, holding onto your hand as you stare at yourself. There's a tightness in your chest that you force yourself to ignore as you move to get dressed. Of course, of course it would happen now of all times. It's stupid, you think, to feel like everyone's trying to control you all the time. But it's paranoia lingering from Edgar's abuse, it's something permanently rooted into your brain.

You head to the motel bed and decide that sleep would either get you found by the crew, or help you on your job.

* * *

 

You explore the town quickly, looking out for members of the crew as you do so. It's easy for you to go from rooftops to rooftops now, you remember to thank Ray once you get back. If you go back.

The near dead silence of this town throws you off a little, but you thank it as it helps you clear your head. There's not much here, but Joel wants you investigating claims of a new crew building up. Killing the leaders would make everyone's lives easier, but you'd rather listen around to make sure there aren't any threats.

Of course, if a threat does come up you'll slip into your work mode and get rid of them. But for the moment, being an observer is enough. You hear talk of the GG around the third day, listening in on rumours and trying to get infiltrated with the others.

"There's a meeting tonight!" One of the guys talking to you says. You smile, slightly. "Do you think there'd be place for another person?" Their answer is to drag you there with them, happily talking the whole way. One of them is an asshole named Ross, though he's funny enough, and the other is a rather sweet, if a bit awkward, man named Barry.

So far, you quite like them. But you slip into your work zone when you enter the meeting, calculating eyes looking around. There are a lot more people than you thought there'd be. Getting out of here could be a problem. You don't catch any names, or mentions of the Fake AH crew, hell, these guys are moving locations pretty soon. It'd be a waste to let all these people go leaderless and lost.

You decide to let the bosses live, only leaving at the end. You smile at Barry and Ross, waving goodbye as you head to your motel. 

Calling Joel is easier than going back. Watching the GG crew leave during the next few days, cars packed full of ammunition and weapons, is more interesting than going back to the guys. Sitting on a rooftop to observe the city is relaxing for all of five minutes before your mind goes at 5000 miles per hour again.

You take your things and your car, driving off into the sunset one day, biting your thumb the whole time. You start to wonder where you should go. Back home is an option, but you don't really want to face the crew right now. You're phone's been buzzing with missed called and unanswered messages since you started your job, although you closed it.

You look at it, when you're at a red light, as it sits in the passenger seat of your car. You should answer, let them know you're alive. Hell, apologise for leaving so quickly, without facing the problems. But you don't. You throw it in the back seat instead.

You drive to smaller towns, buying things, food, knick knacks, whatever catches your eye, really. It isn't until you enter a small gift store that you decide it might be time to head home.

* * *

The drive home is long, but you're thankful for it. The silence is deafening in a calming manner and you don't try to break it by opening your radio. It's easier to let it take over as you drive carefully.

Entering the city makes you feel like running away again, but you stop yourself. They're not Edgar, they won't hurt you. You know that. So you drive to the main hideout, hoping they're there. Maybe they've been trying to catch you on security feeds. Maybe they didn't even look for you. You don't get out of your car just yet as you weigh out the pros and cons of coming back.

The pros win. You exit the vehicle with your gift bag, dragging your feet to the main entrance. The guards call Lindsay over and she seems so worried, angry and relieved at the same time that you wilt under her gaze. "Where have you been?! We've been worried sick about you! Why did you close your phone?!"

You try to answer, only opening your mouth. No sound comes out, and really, you don't have answers for her. You feel like crap, you probably look like it, too. A week and a half away from them hasn't treated you too well. "Around. I'm sorry please don't hate me, and I don't know." You finally say, looking at the ground.

You can feel tears prickling your eyes but you fight them back. Lindsay seems to soften, if only a little. "Come on, then. They've been at odds with Ryan since you left." You feel bad. Of course Ryan would be angry about them hurting you. You just hope you didn't fuck anything up as you follow her inside.

You're left in a comfortable room, on a couch with many cushions. Jack is the first person to enter, and though you won't look at him, he hugs you close and pets your hair, apologising over and over. And if you cry in his arms, clutching to him like a lifeline, he doesn't complain.

Ray and Michael come in, dragging a sad looking Gavin and they don't notice you at first, you guess Lindsay just told them to meet her here or something. When they do notice you, though, Michael gets angry, Ray is stoic and Gavin gets overly happy. You flinch back from Michael, which he seems to feel bad for, but then Gavin holds you tightly from the side, hugging you as much as he can as Jack lets you go.

Michael sighs, reaches out for you. "You look like shit." And you reach back, letting him hug you. Ray is still on the side, talking with Jack now and you wonder if he'll forgive you for running off. You look over at him and let out a slight whine. "Ray."

He seems to practically melt as you call out for him, and maybe it's because you said it in a needy manner, longing in your voice and love in your eyes, because he moves to you and the lads all hug you and kiss your cheeks. You laugh at them, fresh tears slipping out of your eyes.

You wriggle out of their embrace when you hear Geoff's voice, goig over to him before he notices you. When he does, he backs away, hands raised. "Heeeyyy, buddy. No hard feelings, right?" He seems scared of you and you wonder what Ryan told him, but you hug him, your arms around his neck as you do so, pulling him close. "I'm sorry."

He seems frozen for a moment but hugs you back with something fierce, a hand on the back of your head as he pulls you closer to himself. "No, no, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He says your name, soft and sweet and you melt in his arms, practically glowing. He only pulls back when Ryan enters the room. And you decide this has gone on for long enough as you rush to him.

He seems scared at first, surprised even, and you grin as you pull on the front of his shirt and plant a kiss on his lips. He reciprocates almost immediately, pulling at your waist as he does so, wrapping an arm around your back tightly, protectively. You chuckle as you break the kiss, leaning your forehead against Ryan's.

You hear Gavin let out a groan and turn around just as he hands Jack a twenty dollar bill. "You guys bet on this?!" You let out, completely amused. Michael's snickering and Ray's soft "yolo" is answer enough for you. "Geoff!!" You look towards the man as he laughs hysterically.

"How do you handle these assholes?" Ryan laughs at your question and hugs you close. "You do it pretty well, actually."

* * *

 

An hour later, you're all sitting down, Ryan and you leaning against each other as Gavin holds your hand and Jack sits next to Geoff and Michael. Ray is in a bean bag with his DS, obviously.

"So, you're actually okay with this?" Geoff asks, for the third time. You roll your eyes, a soft smile on your lips. "Yes. I told you, I love you guys. All of you." You toy with Gavin's fingers as you look back at the gent.

His face is contorted in worry and you get it, you do. "Look, just... I know what I did was fucking stupid and reckless and all that shit. But, I don't like when people try to run my life. There's a difference between a friend trying to do that, or a boyfriend," you add quickly as Michael opens his mouth, "and a boss giving me an order. Work is work, the rest is personal." You shrug.

"Just because I don't react well to any of you trying to shove me around-" Ryan makes an insulted noise almost saying "I'd never do that," and you roll your eyes, "-Doesn't mean I won't react well when you're giving me jobs."

Geoff nods, understanding yet still worried. "We can take it slow." You laugh a little at that. "Yeah, I think I'd like that, honestly."

Ray's the first to get up and kiss you, before the others can, Gavin making an annoyed squawk. You kiss him back, obviously, a smile on your lips as you do. It's soft and easy and  _slow._ You get kisses from the others as well, of course, Gavin choosing to be next. And his kiss is more energetic but still slow and soft, and you understand that they all have different patterns.

Jack is scratchy but sweet, careful. Michael's fiercer, but he still takes it slow, and Geoff, sweet, beautiful Geoff, lets you take your time, lets you lead, as a sort of apology. And Maybe you like that, maybe you like all of this.

It feels good to be home, you think as you fall asleep in bed with them that night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are. Thank you for loving this story as much as I loved writing it! And don't worry, I'll post a few things related to it every now and then!
> 
> Now, I have very important questions for you guys. I'm currently working on another OT6/male reader fic, however, it's not all written out and I have a few things to figure out about it still, which would make it come out later rather than sooner. But while I work on it, I was thinking of working on Learn From Cigarette Burns, since, really, I should.  
> But, I also have another fic which is Ryan/male reader, which is already mostly planned out, so I could start posting it up as soon as I finish the chapters for it.
> 
> So, to recap:  
> 1) OT6/male reader (and Learn From Cigarette Burns)  
> 2) Ryan/male reader (while working on OT6/male reader)
> 
> Please leave the number you'd like to see most in the comments! If I get even answers, I'll just work on LFCB while writing both other fics in the background. Sound good? Awesome.
> 
> Love ya! <3


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